Thank you so so much Anita. RTSL sounds perfect. Wish we had been able to define some RTSL before things got so bad. I could feel it coming on, and was stuck in a negative loop for a few days leading up to this bust-up. Its surreal to think how adamant I was about being justified in how I felt and now, I can see clearly how wrong I was and how I have been so wrong, this whole time.

I like the two rules you’ve suggested. I think they actually sound like great rules to live by in general, wish I had discovered this forum earlier and had this chat with you before things escalated to what they are now. I’m not sure I’m in any position to ask anything of him currently, as I’ve been the one that was so disrespectful and angry and set all this conflict into motion. Its like he’s holding up a mirror to me now. I’ve tried to apologise but he won’t engage (headphones in, won’t look at me, or just leaves the room/slams door if I try to speak to him). I don’t think he can forgive me this time and seems like he’s shut the door on me completely now, rather than just putting up the wall.

He’s asked to be left alone, doesn’t want to hear my voice and doesn’t want to be around me, so we remain separated, one in each room of the flat. He’s asked for anything that needs his doing, to be written up on a list that he’s stuck up on the wall. So yesterday it was our household chores, something we usually tackle on the weekend, and deciding what days we’d swap spaces. Whilst its a practical idea, it feels really bitter, as a chore list was something we had intended to set up at the start of the year but didn’t. One of my many complaints was that our household responsibilities didn’t feel fairly split, and didn’t feel like they were within his consideration/line of sight, I felt a lot of resentment and thought that it often fell to me, to flag that something was needed to be done/fixed/replenished. I felt like I picked up the slack always and that it wasn’t fairly reciprocated, I often felt let down and frustrated. I’d voice my feelings on the matter frequently, believing it was in our interest to communicate my discontent and thought by doing so, I was being open and “we” would work through them (i.e. have him change). I just could not let things go and they’d fester and I’d erupt. I realise now that these bothers were completely irrelevant and I know I’ve been incredibly judgmental, ungrateful and short-sighted. I’ve been just as incapable of change, but for something so much more insidious than just being a little absent minded. He’s been his wonderful self, loving and so sweet to me and I’ve done nothing but criticise and warp small matters into things that felt like our relationship depended on it. I have days where I feel like I am nothing, and shouldn’t exist, and he’s always picked me back up, but its like I turn on him, and bite the hand that feeds, kind of thing. I hate myself so much.

Do you think I could perhaps tackle these RSLT with a perspective that I’m going to have to go it alone for the time being? As in, I don’t think he’ll react well to me asking for these RSLT, but I can maybe just practice anyways, by myself? Until his anger subsides, I think anything I say or try will just be scoffed at or perceived as antagonising. So I’m wary of trying to engage at all and want to proceed with caution. I know when the hurt isn’t so raw we may be able to talk but for now I’m cautious of any interaction. Feel like its safer to just keep to myself right now and mind myself. We managed to agree on swapping spaces every two days, so today I should be moving into the bedroom… but all I want is a big hug and to be cuddled up in his arms. Would it be wrong of me to ask him for this? Would it do more harm than good right now?