Dear Peeeeet:

You are very welcome.

“It’s surreal to think how adamant I was about being justified in how I felt and now, I can see clearly how wrong I was”- you mentioned earlier cognitive distortions, the one indicated in this sentence is a cognitive distortion called emotional reasoning, meaning we feel something is true, therefore we believe it is true. When this is your inclination (it is mine, and everyone’s to an extent), it is very important to not act or react when emotional. Postpone action to a time when you are  calm, no longer.. under the influence of emotion.

I agree that the two rules I suggested are “great rules to live by in general”. I was introduced to these rules (different wording) when I attended couple counseling almost ten years ago, it was part of the interpersonal skills portion of therapy. My therapy was a combination of Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), plus a heavy dose of Mindfulness.

Currently, he has “headphones in, won’t look at me, or just leaves the room/ slams door if I try to speak to him.. he’s shut the door on me completely now.. asked to be left alone.. asked for anything that needs his doing, to be written up on a list that he’s stuck up on the wall”- I see. Can’t sit down and discuss RSLT with his attitude and behavior. But you can show him that you respect and practice the Rules that he came up with: 1) Don’t talk to me/ don’t interact with me in any way, except for the following 2) If anything of the practical kind needs to be communicated regarding the household, write it up on a list on the wall.

Your job at this point is easier than what I suggested because he already came up with two rules, all you have to do is attentively and respectfully practice his rules. Over time of you doing that, he will probably relax and adjust his rules. He may come up with a third rule, such as: we will have a conversation each day for no longer than 10 minutes.

“I think anything I say or try will just be scoffed at or perceived as antagonizing”- I agree. His rules do not allow you to initiate anything that involves him.

“I know when the hurt isn’t so raw we may be able to talk but for now I’m cautious of any interaction”- for him to relax, accommodate his 2 rules completely, no exceptions, for as long as it takes. He won’t relax until he can trust you to accommodate his rules.

“all I want is a big hug and to be cuddled up in his arms. Would it be wrong of me to ask him for this?”- yes, it will be wrong, because he was “loving and so sweet to me and I’ve done nothing but criticize and warp small matters.. he’s always picked me back up, but it’s like I turn on him, and bite the hand that feeds”, so place his need to be left alone above your need to be hugged and cuddled.

“Would it do more harm than good right now?”- it will harm because if he gives  in and hugs you, he will feel angry about having given in to you. What you want to do  is not to add to his anger, but to create the circumstances where his anger will relax. The circumstances for him to relax is your complete accommodation of his current two rules for as long as it takes.

anita