Hi, Anita

This unmet need for positive, calm attention is the reason why your need for your boyfriend’s attention is intense: “I told him to just give me at least one day out of the week to hangout and spend time… to text me more throughout the day.. 2 hrs of undivided attention“.

You missed them/ needed them so much, but they didn’t miss you or need you back much; it is this lack of reciprocity that still hurts in the context of your boyfriend: “I felt like I was the only one feeling, doing.. trying to make time… I just miss him more than he does”.

Wow, I never looked at it that way. Maybe when I thought I was being strong I was just desperately calling for help. Now, that I think about it I did miss them a lot when I was alone and wanted to go on vacations or do family things like everyone else. I remember when I was able to have friends and I went over to my friend’s house and saw her family dynamic it gave me an utter shock. They were so close knitted, supportive, and loving no matter what. It made me feel sad and jealous almost. I couldn’t understand why I wanted so badly to be a part of them. Looking back it makes sense, I just longed for that family dynamic. Now, it makes sense why I was always over her place, it was to somehow feel that family atmosphere. I considered them my second family at that point and they sort of adopted me too in some way. They didn’t mind me and I felt so happy. I feel like they kind of saved me in a way. Maybe, they saw through me and stayed by me. I’m still in contact with them and they consider me part of their family.

I just cried writing this. A lot things are coming to light now. I guess I really needed to talk about it. Maybe this quarantine is making me think and look at myself.

For the longest time I felt like everything was okay with me and my parents. I just repressed and ignored them honestly now that I look at it. I somehow became very good at repressing certain feelings and emotions it seems like.

I guess in this relationship I’ve been trying to get everything I didn’t have growing up.

As, much as I love my parents I really need to remove myself from their lives for the time being until I can truly recuperate and acknowledge my repressed memories and emotions. My parents are immigrants so they require a lot of attention and involvement.

Makes me appreciate my boyfriend more now because he’s been able to stay sane with me despite my emotional roller coaster and unreasonableness.

Thank you Anita & Valora! I appreciate this more than you think. I didn’t think I would get so much. Talking is good.

-Tee