Dear anonymous03:

in about April 2019, your boyfriend of eight years, A,  became “very distant and cold, wouldn’t touch me at all.. would withdraw if I tried to hold his hand.. did not even look at me”, and a month later, about May 2019, he broke up with you, saying “he had no feelings.. whatsoever”, for you, and telling friends that “there’s no chance of a reconciliation”.

When that happened, followed by you losing some of the common friends, your best friend moving out of town, and your grandmother passing, you’ve been having “constant stomachache and digestive problems.. diagnosed with IBS-C.. in constant physical pain”, lost a fair amount of weight, and were “sucked into this whirlpool of self-blame and self-guilt”, believing that he withdrew from you and broke up with you because you were a “needy, clingy, nagging, and probably toxic” girlfriend.

Two months after the breakup, B, a friend living in another country, told you that he has feelings for you. You were delighted to hear that and developed feelings for him. The two of you decided that during Christmas 2019, he will visit you in your (and his) home country, spend a month together, “and if all  went well, we’d start dating”. That Christmas month spent together was “bey0nd beautiful” and you were “happy, genuinely so”. February 2020, nine months after A broke up  with you, A contacted you for the first time, saying he wanted to get back together with you.

And so, like the song says: you’ve been … torn between two  lovers: A, with whom you “always had to beg for attention”, with whom you spent time together “only if I got really mad or  at his convenience”, a man who told you recently, that he didn’t value you earlier (“he didn’t value me earlier”), and B, a man who “loves me dearly, showers me with attention even from miles away, puts me first, and is really very compatible with me”.

You chose B, but you “haven’t been able to stop thinking about (A), wondering if I’m making a mistake.. severely anxious and depressed.. haven’t slept properly in weeks.. nervous and on edge and full of guilt.. I feel all my feelings so far have been a lie.. Should  I go back to my ex? I even have this crazy idea that my IBS troubles will vanish if I go back to my ex.. I don’t even want to live anymore.. This quarantine is not helping.. I’m such a horrible person”.

My input to you: you have to  find a way to relax. No one can think clearly and effectively when under intense anxiety and distress, and you are no exception. Find a way to calm down every day. If a daily walk outside is possible and safe, under the quarantine regulations where you live, do  so. Take hot showers or baths to relax, listen to music, do guided meditations, watch movies, post here.. express and relax, best you can.

You wrote that A feels like home  to you, but often a home is not a good place to live in, even if it sometimes feels good, familiar and comfortable. A doesn’t read  to me like a  good  home. B on the other hand, reads like a good home for you. A didn’t pay attention to you, B does. You begged A for his attention, you don’t beg B. When you saw A recently, he told you that he didn’t value you earlier. Not being valued or being paid attention to- is not a good  home.

If the distress from the breakup with A led to your IBS, I don’t think that reuniting with him will fix  your IBS. It is not that the relationship with A was wonderful before he broke up with you, so the distress in you built up over time, as you begged for his attention again and again.

Your guilt  may be the biggest contributor to your anxiety and distress. You started your long original  post with your guilt (third line: “self-blame and self-guilt”), and you ended your post with: “I’m such a horrible person”. You felt guilty about being a bad girlfriend to A, and you feel guilty about being a  bad girlfriend to B.

When did your “self-blame and self-guilt” start, do you remember,(as a child, way before A or B  entered your life)?

anita