Dear Anita,

It’s funny but my memories of the dolls and what not were at a time that I can remember being scared or lacking anything. The only weird thing that stands out is a doll that I had that I used to kind of be mean to. I can still remember what the doll looked and smelled like. Maybe it was her appearance? Maybe it was an influence from my brother or friend? I remember myself as a very happy-go-lucky child aside from this. I think I was 4-6 years old. I don’t remember being lonely. I thought it was fun to take care of things.

It was several years later that I was left at home with my older brother overnight. We had moved to a different house. I think I was 7 or 8?  This was the time of my life that I remember a lot of fear. Fear of my dad dying in a plane crash, fear of being alone at night and wanting my mom to be there. By that time I didn’t have the dolls, though a year or two later I would get a lot of cabbage patch dolls and kind of resumed the roll of doll mother for a year or so. At this time, it was more the fun of collecting dolls from different countries or doing the “adoption” of a cabbage patch. I liked all toys and played outside a lot. Its just that I remember being much more into dolls than my friends. Maybe because my mom was an OB nurse and would give me real stuff to play with.

When I was in high school, every time I went out she would seriously say, “Don’t get pregnant?”. I had to hear from her about the teens who had given birth, always with a tone of disappointment. At that point I decided I never wanted to have kids.

I don’t know if I can remember accurately or not, but yes, I do feel like that fear and dread of not wanting my mom to go to work at night and the sadness after she left and I was sleeping in my parents bed in the dark is probably similar to that feeling of not wanting him to go away.

I just wanted to add that I did a meditation after writing that message.. I wished for him to be happy, for his wife to be happy and his family to be happy and the pain went away.  During that meditation, I came back to this space of feeling more alive and purposeful and less sad as I focused on sending love out or wishing for him to be happy. Though I can’t wish that for myself. Maybe it just feels differently if you’re calling it in for your self. Weird, but contacted me in the midst of me wishing that he’s well and happy (I seem to always hear from him when I’m in that state).

I realized that my whole purpose in life as far as career goes has been to alleviate suffering by helping the marginalized, less fortunate. I remember when I first started in non-profit work as an AmeriCorps VISTA about 20 years ago, one of my roommates said that we kind of have a co-dependent relationship with our work. We all took on so much for so little, hoping to give back and help others.

I’ve often come back to that thought and wondered about why doing things to help others seems to be the only meaning I feel in life. If it’s an escape from taking care of myself or if it’s just programmed from always feeling responsible for others and not feeling like I mattered. It’s been a few hours now and I haven’t had that deep sinking feeling of sadness or the thought of him and his family.

Anyway, when in relationships, I feel that needy and conditional love. From that space comes that incessant need and want and black hole in my heart of misery and sadness. The love and wishes I had for him today I feel is unconditional and I’m able to see him as an individual, less someone that I need. I still very much wish I could be with him, but it doesn’t overpower my wish for him to be happy. I wish to have these feelings of unconditional love all the time, but I know that I eventually get back into the wanting and needing. It’s really interesting to know that this is how most people feel in relationships, and I wish I could have that. Is the key to practice metta? Is this another way of me just making myself feel good?

Again, a lot of rambling. I hope you can understand what I’m writing!

Thank you, Anita!