Dear lannawannabe:

“I must admit feeling ashamed for letting this first break-up affect me so terribly for so many months”- I wish you didn’t feel shame at all regarding this matter: you can’t help feeling what you feel regarding this man, the breakup, not then and not months  after, no  more than any person can help feeling whatever one feels about anything, at any time.

There is a reason why you are so affected by what happened (and what didn’t happen) with this man. Once you find out the reason, or reasons, you will see that your feelings are understandable, and that they are not at all an indication that there is something wrong with you, or that you are abnormal.

I am re-reading/ retelling your story, with my comments (and numbered questions to you): at 28, you “never dated, never really had an urge in any big way to date”- this is unusual, strikes me as very unusual, to not date and to not have a strong urge to date as a teenager into your twenties and all the way to 28.

Last year, about spring 2019, “I started to fall for someone.. I had a funny feeling about it all but in the end I went for it”- I read hesitancy due to fear, hesitance that is congruent with all the years of avoiding boys/ men as far as a romantic/ physical relationship is concerned.

“I’ve often  not done things out of fear”- that “funny feeling” and what you also referred to as “gut instincts” may very well be this long-term fear.

After being out of town for a few weeks, following lots of texting with him, you were “nervous returning to the city but excited also”- fearful but hopeful for something good to happen.

He pressured you to have sex with him, you gave in to his pressure, he was “very rough and unpleasant in bed”, you “didn’t enjoy it at all”, you felt “hurt.. unhappy or unsure with him quite a lot, it was awkward and funny–

1)  I don’t think it was funny for you at the time, this experience, unless you were able at the time to disassociate from your circumstances: to watch it all from a distance, as if it was happening to someone else, finding it .. funny. Is that what happened?

2) “he likes doing things, I am shy and introverted- he said ‘I never dated anyone as introverted as you before'”- I wonder what introverted behaviors on your part he was referring to, besides turning down the invitation to watch sports with him and his friends?

“A few days later I got a ‘we should talk, I feel pressure‘ text”-

3)  Did he tell you the nature of the pressure he was referring to?

“I cried (very out of character)”-

4) Do you remember when you no longer cried, as a child, or when it  happened that it was a point of pride, to not cry?

You wrote regarding this man: “It made me feel good, powerful, desirable, sexy… to be pursued by him”, and in your recent post, you wrote: “I have often needed.. to have someone lead the way“-

5) Is it that when he pursued you, you felt that you were leading the way (a new experience), and leading the way made you feel powerful?

You wrote regarding your parents: “We are close, quite similar in personality”-

6) Can you tell me the similarities in personality between you and your parents?

“there’s just something about romantic rejection that destroys me”-

7) What about rejections that are not romantic, what is your experience with those?

anita