Dear anonymous03:

First priority is for you to survive being with your mother “together all day due to lockdown”. All day with your mother, no break, that’s a very, very distressing situation (previous thread).

1. If there is a way for you to get outside for a walk a few times per day, do so, quick, fast walk so to get a break, fresh air, some feel-good chemicals secreted into your blood as a result, that will be best for you.

2. Realize that you are living with an emotionally disturbed and an emotionally disturbing (abusive) person: your mother. She is not a reasonable, calm, stable individual. What you share with her will get back to bite you, so limit your communication with her to practical issues. When she asks you personal questions give her a one-two word answers.

* When your mother screams at you, if you are sitting down, stand up tall and strong, look into her eyes intently, and say with a strong voice: do not ever scream at me again, do you understand: do not ever scream at me again!

Repeat this every time she screams at you. Notice: don’t scream back at her; instead use a strong voice and body language as I suggested above.

3. Consider the following thought: you don’t owe your mother anything; she owes you a lot for having abused you for so long. You owe her nothing. You don’t owe her to get married. You owe her nothing. Take in this thought while taking in a few slow, deep breaths every once in a while.

4. Regarding A and B: question is who of the two can be your ally in your very difficult situation (being with your mother 24/7). Did you express to any of them your great distress over living with an abusive, unstable mother for so long and did any of them express sympathy for you? The one who did express sympathy for you (or will if you tell him of your situation), is the one you should seek as a friend at this time.

Explain to either A or B, or both, your situation: in a respectful way (so that you don’t feel guilty about talking disrespectfully about your mother), but honestly, truthfully. Then wait for the man’s reaction. If he is supportive to you, take it from there. You need an ally at this point, not a boyfriend!

This is not the time for you to make relationship choices.

* I just read your update: when she tells you that you are all that she has etc., tell her: then don’t ever scream at all-that-you-have, and stop-making-all-that-you-have so miserable by crying and complaining to me!

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by .