Dear Stacey:

It is important to know the order of things happening. First thing that happened was that he stopped talking to you; second thing that happened was that you didn’t go on the trip to visit him (“after he stopped communicating.. I ended up not going”). And after not going you apologized for not going. But it is understandable that you didn’t go on a trip to visit a man who wouldn’t talk to you- it was not a wrongdoing that you didn’t go on that trip, and therefore, no reason to apologize for it.

You also apologized to him for having been sometimes sad, angry, and confused (“I apologized for.. I wasn’t perfect.. I had moments where I was sad, angry, or confused.. He saw my best side and my not so best side so I guess I apologized for that too”)- there was no reason to apologize for feeling sad, angry or confused: feelings are not wrongdoings. There is no such thing as a person who always feels content, happy, calm, etc. So allow yourself to be human and feel what every human feels at this time or the other time: sad, confused, angry, frustrated, disappointed, etc. Don’t apologize for being human.

“Looking back I apologized because I didn’t want him to be mad at me. I wanted to reconnect. I don’t know if I am making sense”- you apologized not because you did anything wrong but because you were afraid that he was angry at you and you apologized for whatever may have been the reason for his anger (you didn’t know his reason), so that he will forgive you.

Here is what I suggest to you:

1. What you feel (what anyone feels) is not a wrongdoing. Apologize only for something wrong that you do, and not for anything that you feel.

2. When you think that someone is angry at you, but that person didn’t tell you if he/she is angry at you or why, then ask that person: are you angry at me? And if he says that he/ she is angry (or doesn’t say but behaves angrily), then tell the person that you would like to know why he is angry at you because if you did something wrong, you would want to fix that something that you did.

Get the information by asking questions, instead of giving a blanket apology not knowing what you are apologizing for, and not even knowing if you did anything wrong to that person.

3. Just like you are not imperfect for feeling sad, angry and confused, your ex boyfriend, and his wife are not perfect either and their relationship is not perfect (“it is working out perfectly… I checked their social media and it is all love and happiness… a perfect happy life”). Sometimes each  one of them is sad, angry and/or  confused too, and their lives together are not perfectly happy. No one is happy all the time or even most of the time.

If you want to answer the following (for the  purpose of better understanding), please do:

– “he personally attacked me”- how did he attack you/ what did he say to you?

– Do you have the experience of growing up with an angry parent or older sibling?

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by .