Dear Anita…

I just wanted to start by sharing with you the beauty of this evening, I’m currently sitting at the table in my garden and I’m meditating on your answer. The air is so fresh and clean and it has a little summer breeze… it is the perfect temperature as well, and I just wanted to take a little bit of time to stay in this present moment and acknowledge it.

Back to the topic of conversation, Contentment is definitely the word I was thinking of. And thank you for clarifying what happiness really represents.

You said “the more congruent your thoughts and beliefs are with reality, the less you suffer, the more mentally healthy and content you are.” I really like this perspective and I can visualize it as the best way of living a life. But to go into detail, what is an example of congruent thought with reality? Let’s say for example my situation… I have a problem with staying in the present moment because most of the time I am worried about where to escape next, where to seek for the better next dimension, so what would be a congruent thought that I would have to start thinking of?

I also just had a realization.

There is something that I haven’t shared with you yet, a part of myself that has always defined me.

It is something really private, and something that I just recently started to feel more comfortable in sharing, but that has always been buried underground in the deep caves of my mind… hidden. And I am proud of myself to have found the courage to share it, to bring it to the light..

Since I was a little kid, I have always had issues with a speech disorder I have. Stuttering.

I don’t remember the exact moment I started stuttering, but when I was a little kid I remember that it was a huge weight I always carried on my shoulders… I still do, but now it’s different.

I remember being bullied by some students at school, but luckily I always had people around me who would protect me (from amazing teachers, parents and friends) But still some words penetrated my brain and took place in my memory.

The biggest bully was myself though. Me against myself. I never liked this side of me at all, I mean, would you blame me? I wouldn’t say I had the worst case of stuttering, sometimes, on a good day you couldn’t even notice… but it is what happens inside of a person who stutters that is the real problem… the real frustration… that sense of “I can’t do it… I can’t say it” and also… that sense of… “let me find another way to say it”… “let me escape this sense of fear and humiliation”.

That is why I’m saying realization… because… This feeling of “If I say this word I’m going to stutter so let me escape from that word and find a better and similar one” goes hand in hand with the “I was born in a small town that doesn’t represent me so I need to find another one”… don’t you think?

Growing up you learn how to manage this disorder (unless it’s  associated with other disorders that could cause a more serious condition), you learn which words are easier for you to say… how to relax more, or to manage your anxiety. I have worked so much like a surgeon in order to meticulously find the best words to say in every situation… And I’d say I am pretty content of my achievements. Meditation and breath control are also an incredible help for a person with this disorder, since the control of your breath is a key point in order to not stutter. (and to speak better in general even for non stuttering people).

But do you think that stuttering is also another key point, another little trauma, to add to this conversation? To escape and find better words to say to not stutter has always been more than a habit… but more like a way to survive a situation… but do you think that this sense of “escape” is really rooted in my mind more than I thought?

Let me know what you think… And good morning, hope this day is an amazing one for you.

• This reply was modified 4 years, 7 months ago by Al.