Hi Anita

Thank you for so much insight into what I wrote. I appreciate your time.

What you said about how your mother’s behaviour made you feel guilty is exactly what I was facing. My mother used to often remark that I was a “problem child” compared to my brother. In hindsight, I feel that I was more expressive than my more introverted brother.

How you described expressing her misery in dramatic ways is what I would call my mother too. I don’t know at what point I started to see becoming angry, yelling and creating drama was normal. Admittedly, I have carried onto become all those things myself. Its funny that I almost became her the past few years.

Now that she’s gone after battling a lengthy illness, I am having trouble dealing with grief. Sometimes I feel overtly sad missing the few glimpses of maternal love I experienced from her and at other times, when I am angry remembering her, I feel guilty for not grieving for her properly. What was the point in being angry with her now?

Over the last year when she became very ill, I began to see a softer side of her. Yet, I couldn’t find myself letting her in and always having my guard up. She used to say that I don’t like her anymore and I wasn’t sure if I did. I was torn between loving her as a mother unconditionally (she did work to provide me with financial security) and liking her as a person after the regular drama she put me through.

It is interesting how you bring up the comparison your mother made with other daughters, that was a regular feature in my relationship with my mother too. I always felt I was doing something wrong, never good enough and that she was “stuck” with me unfortunately.

The culture I come from also has an enormous pressure of being a good, valuable component of a family. My role in my family got reduced to being dramatic and emotional. I think it may have been due to a childhood of not being heard or validated.

Grief can be so complicated.

NB