Dear Liz:

“do  you think we could benefit from regular counseling?” – from quality regular short term (or long term) counseling- absolutely, most people would.

“Throughout our two year relationship I did always feel frustrated with him- why does he say he’s going to do things he doesn’t do? Why.. is he so judgmental and yet not very creative.. I just didn’t see him being passionate about anything.. I’d told him a year in he needed to take better care of himself”-

– I want to understand better, therefore I ask regarding this quote:

1. Can you give me examples of things he said he’ll do but didn’t do?

-Early when we met he said he’d change his sleep habits (go to sleep earlier) and that he was going to apply for a regular job (he worked under the table). I thought it was good he wanted to do these things, didn’t ask him to, but he never really tried.

-He would often say like I’m going to get back into yoga, or walking my dog everyday, or playing drums, but never did

-He would often say “I’m not going to stay for very long” when he’d go out- which was not often-but then would stay out til 2, 3, sometimes all night.

-Main issue- he had me put my name on a bill that he was responsible for paying because it was for his work and he rarely paid it on time. Turns out he couldn’t open an account for that bill cause he was overdrawn on his last account. Never told me that and to this day my name is still on that bill.

2. Can you give me examples of him being judgmental?

-He’d often make little jabs at restaurants we’d go to, or my sisters choices in boyfriends, ways I would choose to do things. It felt like he had a jab for everything.

3. How was he “not very creative”?

-He just didn’t create anything. Like in our time together I can’t list one thing that he made and was proud of. Like even a recipe that I didn’t show him that he was excited about.

4. Can you elaborate on him not “being passionate about anything”?

He was passionate about watching sports, music, weed (yeah), his dog, his friendships, our relationship. So that was not a totally fair statement on my part. But I guess I meant he didn’t have a hobby.

5. How did he not take care of himself?

He ate pretty crappy, didn’t work out.

Thanks for your response Anita. I feel harsh answering these questions but tried to be honest. While writing I realized that maybe he sensed my desire for him to be more creative, more active, and that he would say what he thought I wanted to hear, that he was going to be these things. It makes me feel kinda bad. Like he always felt not good enough for me. And maybe that was true. Maybe I’m the judgemental one.  A lot of the guys I’ve dated have had so many passions like writing, building, making music, drawing, CRAFTING lol. Seriously. But they weren’t down to earth like this recent ex. They didn’t see me, and get me like this recent ex. They couldn’t pick themselves up from the emotional trenches like him. So I don’t know. I feel like the confusing part to me is- this most recent guy has made me happier than anyone I’ve been with. But yet again I’m getting the “not enough” vibes. I just feel like I will always get those. Like it a relationship will never feel “right” to me.