Dear Isabelle:

Congrats for leaving your ex, for having done the right thing for you and your son, my hat is off to you!

Regarding the lack of fit: “Lack of fit between my environment and myself pretty much sums my life, including with my loved ones. I love my family members dearly but I have never fit in with them”- I think that you didn’t fit in with your mother because she “was depressive and emotionally distant”, and you didn’t fit with your father because he “was alcoholic and he abandoned us”, and not because you have a high IQ/ being “a highly gifted person.

Regarding the imposter syndrome, not fitting in and cynicism: “Despite having achieved a lot in my life by objective standards, I always attributed these achievements to external things such as luck or lenient evaluations. In the research field where I now work, I don’t fit in.. I found an ego-dominated environment.. I am trying hard to not become cynical”-

-better than cynicism (or excessive optimism), is to be realistic with a touch of optimism. It  is true that lots of work environments, including non-profits and such, are ego dominated. And it  is true that luck has a lot to do with a lot of things, and it is true that a portion of professional evaluations in universities and the work place are lenient.

In your workplace, I know you wish it was better, that other people would be concerned primarily with making the world a better place. Accept that fact that this is not the case, and see if in the context of your workplace, you can still make a positive difference in the world (albeit a smaller positive difference than you hoped to make). If you can still make a positive difference in the world, then let it motivate you to keep going and get better and better at what you do.

Regarding your ex: “on some level, we understood each. He also has high IQ and emotionality. But his aggressiveness and lack of consideration and empathy made the relationship to him toxic for my son and I”- most people don’t put much of their IQ into good use, so better a partner who puts 70% of his lesser IQ into good use, than a partner who puts 5% of his highest IQ into good use (more IQ in-use this way).

Regarding “IQ and emotionality”- the interaction between the two should lead to peaceful relationships, the IQ being used to make peaceful relationships possible and likely. Your ex having been toxic to you and to his own son means that he used zero percent of his IQ for what matters most.

Regarding P- I still think that it’s better for you to be romantically and intimately involved with a man who is single, not a man who lives with a partner and with their children. Some women prefer married men simply because it keeps them safe from  getting trapped with those men. They want an intimate relationship, but not too intimate,  needing the Stop Sign to prevent them from moving in with the man.

anita