Dear Isabelle:

You are welcome. Yes, you did express optimism.

“The excuses I used for my ex were that he was stressed, unhappy with his job.. Unhappy with life in general.. I thought I was partly responsible for his unhappiness, for neglecting him when my son was a baby”- reads like you viewed your ex as a baby/ young child, as if he was not yet responsible for his behavior, and you tolerated his bursts of anger and abusive behavior.

Regarding P, you asked: “Does he not want to know how I am doing?”- I think that he doesn’t want to know how you are doing because if he did want to know, he would have sent you an email asking you: how are you doing?

“the similarity to my relationship with my ex is that I am still being understanding and patient with a man, hoping that things get better”-

– it is nice that you are understanding with him, but understand everything that there is to understand about him and you: he is distressed about the pandemic and so are you. He has children that he cares for and you have a child that I care for. He has a job, and so do  you. He is busy and so are you. You want to know how he is doing with the pandemic, his children, his job and his life otherwise, but he doesn’t want to know how you are doing with the pandemic, your child, your job, and your life otherwise.

“P’s priority are his children. He feels that his partner is focused on her business, on building it for their children, leaving no room for their love life… 2 therapists.. diagnosed her as asexual, and one of them suggested that perhaps P could find another woman to fill his sexual needs.. His partner was never open to it, so after a while, he decided to find someone. That’s when we met.. When we started emailing back and forth, I told him that I was looking to find a friend with whom to also develop sexual intimacy.. He completely agreed and said that this was exactly what he was looking for.. explicitly said that he really wanted to be my friend. And then, after we met for the first time, I felt him pull back a bit. He started writing less often, apologizing when he did not write for several days and explaining what had kept him… He answered that.. he really missed me and often thought about me. His emails are actually really sweet. But then I wonder, if things are so difficult, why is he not reaching out to me more? I did offer to lend him an ear. So where I always end up is  OK, I just have to be patient. Wait for this crazy period to come to an end, and then see what happens.”

I typed the above because it helps me process information when I type. Here are my thoughts:

1. If his children are indeed his priority and his partner is focuses on building a business for his children, then he and his partner have something very much in common: the children being his priority and hers. This means that they are working together for a common goal, to advance the well  being of their highest priority: the children they share.

2. He reads like a nice guy. I don’t necessarily mean a genuinely nice guy, but apparently a nice guy: writing sweet emails, apologizing, eager to agree with you (telling you that he too wants friendship, not only sex), telling you he misses you and is thinking about you, etc.

But lets look at him a bit deeper: he told you that he saw two therapists and that “one of them suggested that perhaps P could find another woman to fill his sexual needs”, meaning the thought didn’t occur to him.  It occurred to a helping professional, a therapist whom he went  to see for help. So he did what he was supposed to do: follow the advice of a professional, and that’s how he met you.

But wait, the therapist suggested that he “could find another woman to fill his sexual needs”, not that he could find another woman to fill his friendship and sexual needs.

He didn’t have unfulfilled friendship needs before the pandemic, and before he met you. He had unfulfilled sexual needs. Seems to me that when he told you that he too  wants to be your friend because you said it first and he reciprocated, not because he really meant it.

anita