Dear anita,

I was hoping you would find me. I seek your guidance and wisdom. Whoever you are, wherever you are- thank you for your words and kindness, for you have helped so many heal.

My inner voice says that I know you will not hurt me.

I used to express a lot. All of my emotions. Be it happiness, sadness, anger, jealousy. And everyone around me knew what I was feeling. But for the past few months, it has mostly been sadness, and where I live, mental health, and the concept of trauma, is unfamiliar. My own family refused to accept my struggle for a few years, and when I reached a brink, my mother realized that she would lose me, and in this fear, she tried to understand what I was going through, what I go through, but I have given up. Her turbulence, her past, her words and all that she has undergone, just make me guilty about my own feelings, and I sometimes feel like a burden.

Due to this lockdown, I live with my family. And a new addition to our family- my grandmother. I respect her, but I don’t think she reciprocates the same.

All my life, all my life I tried to be the perfect granddaughter for both my grandparents, and instead their love and affection and respect was showered upon my cousin, who was achieving so much living in a 1st world country and making the most of the opportunities that she had.

My grandfather passed away recently. I never really knew what he thought of me. And it pains me that whatever image that he had of me, I will never be able to change it. I do miss him, for I loved him, his honesty and hardwork and simplicity. But I just feel like a failure. I was never the granddaughter he wanted.

My grandmother has her way of taunting me. Her love and respect goes to my brother, and if she had her way, I would be tending to her whims and fancies all the time. My mom does nothing to support me. She wants me to be the idea daughter and granddaughter- and not ruin my image, which I already have.

I don’t know who I am, anita. I have spent my entire life pleasing others, doing what others want me to do, even choosing a profession just because of this silly competition with my cousin and I don’t even know if I want to do this anymore.

I have struggled with friendships. Been bullied when I was growing up, and been called names, never been accepted into any friendships and friend groups, been shamed and ridiculed for who I am, always labeled as too weird, or too different.

My friends, or the people I call my friends, right now, don’t bother to check up on me because I feel like I have become a difficult person to deal with. My emotional needs and my issues, are too much for them. When I stopped being a vent, and a home for their emotional needs, and asked for some reciprocation, they shut their doors.

My mom has always been harsh on me. Her idea of a perfect daughter, her ideal kid, her sunshine, her hero, her saviour- the one who never fails, and I know that she is living her own childhood and the experiencs she lost through me, but instead of giving me a choice, and helping me take my own decisions, she forces her authority on me.

I live in shame everyday. I do. I have so much potential. But in the end, I keep quiet, and do whatever is asked of me, for I know that as long as I live with them, there is no me. Just the version that they want to see.

Thank you for listening to my story.

Sherry