Dear Sherry:

Before I read your recent post this morning, I expected that you will express a sense of indebtedness toward your parents for feeding you, clothing you etc. Because this is how I felt for many years: very indebted and very guilty for having been fed, clothed, etc.

And then I read in your recent post: “Some part of me strangely feels.. grateful for all they have done- and without I am not sure if I  would’ve been able to write this right now”.

It is true that without my mother and father I wouldn’t have been conceived, without my mother (my father had a third wife and new children later), if no one else took care of me- I would have died. But I am not grateful for having lived decades of anxiety, shame, guilt and overall torture. If I could go back in time and make such retroactive decisions, I would have chosen to not be conceived and to not grow up.. I would have compassionately let the baby that I was- die. I am stating this with no sense of drama, not trying to create emotion within you as the reader. I am stating this with quiet sincerity, because it is true.

Your parents and grandparents, the supposed nurturing adults in your young life, your caretakers- they fed you, clothed you, bought you gifts, toys perhaps, school supplies and such, but not because they loved you. You clearly stated that you experienced and experience no love in the context of your family. What you do experience from them are demands: they demand a return for their material/ financial investment in you.

Keep the Return on Investment principle in mind. It will be better that at some point you calculate how much money they invested in you and maybe you will choose to return that exact amount and free yourself from any debt to them.

“My education is being sponsored by my father and the amount is a lot, but I just don’t feel I am worth it”- maybe deciding to return that money to him when you are able will help you feel worth his investment now. Think of it as a loan that you will return.

Let’s look at your mental state: “at the core of my being, I am ashamed of who I am.. something had gone wrong inside me.. I am not happy with who  I am… the battles that go  inside my mind… my own inner critic and harsh judgment has pulled me down so much… I feel like a failure.. I am sad, I am angry… My mind is this dark place… I am so confused, and scared”-

–  In the US on a legal website I read: “Emotional distress, also known as ‘mental anguish‘, is a non-physical and mainly psychological injury that may be asserted in civil lawsuits.. the law recognizes emotional distress as a state of mental suffering that occurs because of an experience caused by the negligence or intentional acts of another”. Another US website reads: “it’s important to know that you do have rights in a personal injury lawsuit when it comes to emotional suffering.”-

– what I quoted above, as your mental state is the terms I italicized: emotional distress, mental anguish, mental suffering, emotional suffering.

I am not suggesting that you take your parents to court- what I am suggesting is that you can resolve the burden of your sense of indebtedness to them by deducting a certain amount of money as a compensation for the mental anguish caused by your parents from the amount of money they invested in you (education and other expenses since you’ve been an adult living with them). And if you think that in the balance you owe your father/ parents, return that amount in the future and you will be debt free.

Make your indebtedness to them a financial issue because this has been the nature of their investment in you: financial. It was not an investment of love.

I used to be very, very attached to my mother. It took me a long time to understand that I  loved her very much, all along, but she did not love me back- what a revelation that was, to really.. really understand it on a deep level.

anita