Dear Hatch:

You (29) lived together with this man 2015-2019. In 2018 the two of you argued a lot, and sometime in the middle of 2018 and on you’ve been having “confusing back and forth thoughts in my head about what I really wanted and if I was truly IN love”. At the beginning of 2019, you told him that you needed a break and that the two of you should separate, and you moved to the guest room. Three weeks later he hooked up with two other people. You confronted him and noticed that he was “almost happy I was that upset”, thinking that you still wanted him. You felt hurt because you wished that instead of hooking up with others, he would “sit me down and say look, I don’t want to lose you, I really want this to work, let’s work on our issues together”

You continued sharing a home with him, at times “rekindling which didn’t seem to stick”. One night you asked him why he was in love with you and he said because you were compassionate. You felt hurt by his stated reason, thinking he should have a different reason.

June 2019, the two o you had “a huge fight” and you “brought up how I thought they didn’t love themselves since when they were younger they had cut themselves. And that we never could share those deep insecurities about ourselves to one another.. That we can’t share anything with one another”. He was hurt and angry and told you “they  hated me and that they felt sorry for me”.

In Fall 2019, you got your own apartment and a new job, and you still hang out once in a while with your “partner or my ex I guess”. January 2020, the two of you were in your apartment and had “a small argument”. He then expressed to you that he doesn’t want to be “arguing at my place and not the house we used to share”. He then “started crying and said ‘I’m trying to figure it out if I want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me”.

Feb-May 2020, the two of you hang out at your place or his, “watching tv and eating dinner. ‘Us’ or relationship is never brought up. I don’t really know what they want in the end or what I do I guess.. I love them, so dearly, but part of me just still worries if I’m not in love with them. Part of me thinks that they aren’t in love with me either. It feels like something is telling me that being in love should maybe feel different… I love them so much. SO, so much.. Do I need to let them go? Do I need to try a different approach.. ?.. I’ve just been so all over the place the last couple of years”.

My input:

During that huge fight, when you told him that he doesn’t love himself and didn’t love himself early on, and that’s why he cut himself- you shouldn’t have told him that. What you did was to use what he told you in confidence (that he used to cut himself) against him, so to prove a point to him. You could have delivered your point without unnecessarily hurting him.

Imagine that you told him something very personal about your childhood experience at a moment of vulnerability and emotional intimacy and trust, and that at a later time, when angry, he brought up what you shared and threw it in your face to prove a point. How would you feel?

What he said as a response, that he hated you and felt sorry for you, that’s an understandable reaction.

There were too  many arguments and fights between the two of you for a long time. One argument or fight is one too many. Arguing and fighting are avoidable and should be avoided, being replaced by EAR, standing for Empathy, Assertiveness and Respectful communication.

Reads to  me that you initiated or greatly contributed to the arguments and fighting.

There is a significant dissatisfaction that you’ve been feeling for a couple of years, a dysphoria: a profound state of unease or dissatisfaction. You asked him why he was in love with you and he said because you are compassionate, what you didn’t mention is that he told you that he was in love with you (that’s why you followed with asking him why). Being dysphoric, you dismiss the positives (that he expressed to you that he is in love with you)  and focus on perceived negatives (that he came up with a reason you didn’t like).

There is nothing wrong with his answer as long as he meant it. You want him to be honest with you, and if he honestly feels that he is in love with you because you are compassionate, then it’s a good enough of a reason. Imagine that when you asked him why, you would also give him a list of reasons to choose from, with your comments added to each reason, which would make you feel good, which would make you feel bad.. that would be crazy, wouldn’t it.

Remember the EAR principle of effective communication in the context of an intimate relationship: Empathy, Assertiveness and Respect? Add to it honesty, you want him to feel comfortable to tell you what he honestly thinks and feels; you don’t want him walking on eggshells.. which is probably what he is doing and the reason he doesn’t talk with you about the nature of your relationship, being afraid to ignite the next argument.

Overall, I think that you feel strongly for him but overall in life you are dissatisfied, somewhat troubled and you hold him responsible for it, for your dissatisfaction while all along he is not responsible for how you experience life.

Clearly, you told him repeatedly that you don’t know if you want to be with him, that’s why he cried about being “with someone who doesn’t want to be with (him)”.  When he hooked up with two other people, while on a break or a breakup that you initiated, he was happy that you cared, because you told him earlier and repeatedly that you don’t know if you wanted to be with him, and that must have hurt his feelings very much.

If you would like, tell me more about this profound state of unease and disatisfaction that you are experiencing still, and I will reply to you further.

anita