Dear NeW:

She lied to you repeatedly and on different topics: “she was continually being dishonest to me… some of this involved finances, some of it involved things with other family members.. please be honest with me, I will not tolerate lying“.

Her “silent treatment” is better than her lying treatment of you: silence is preferable to lies, isn’t it?

I think that her silence treatment of you is your opportunity to work on that enmeshment you mentioned (“I openly admit to there being enmeshment”).

If I was you, I would find another place for your horses so that you don’t have to visit her home and her property. Don’t chase her for contact. And better, if she contacts you, tell her that you are extending the silence between the two of you, because you need that silence, for now.

“I felt not good enough and tried to prove my worth to her and been very (so uncomfortably) vulnerable to her and trying to explain what I needed in a mother/ daughter relationship”-

– I think that what you need in your relationship with your mother is the silence that she is providing you. Not that her intent is to help you with her silence, but it so happens that you do need that silence, I believe.

There is a term in child psychology called “separation- individuation”- a young child starts being enmeshed with her main caretaker, usually the mother.Later, gradually, the child separates from her mother, becoming her own separate, content person. (Lots of women don’t get to that stage of mental separation from their mother).

I hope to read more from you and to reply further to you.

anita