Dear NeW:

Regarding the third choice, to have no contact with your mother and form the honest relationship you need with someone else. you asked “how do I verbalize that? Or do I just ‘do it'”?

To extend the silent treatment that she initiated for as long as you need it, send her a message saying that sometime after she initiated the silence between her and you, you found out that silence is just what you need from her, so to promote your own mental health. Let her know that you are extending the silence that she initiated it from the date she initiated it, (state the date) until further notice. Ask her to not contact you before you will let her know of that further notice, and let her know that if she initiates contact with you before that further notice, you will not respond to her. Then add that you wish her well.

I predict that it will not be easy for you to carry this through, that you will feel guilty, that you will be imagining that she needs you and that she is so sad to not have you in her life.. because this is what I experienced when I ended all contact with my mother seven years ago. But what I learned is that all along I needed her, not the other way around; I loved her, not really the other way around.  When I understood that completely, the guilt expired.

Regarding promoting your mental health during this break, it will be about that separation I mentioned, removing yourself from that enmeshment with her. Enmeshed a daughter is  confused, having the identities of her mother and herself.. well, enmeshed. Separated you will become the authentic you, which will make an honest relationship possible with someone else.

I will  be glad to keep communicating with you. Post again anytime.

anita