Dear Bananarama:

You are and have been a very good friend to S.

“Since S lost his accommodation, he hasn’t accepted any of my calls, and is ignoring most of my messages. I occasionally receive a very limited response”- reads like it is his choice and preference to have very little if any contact with you at this time. I suggest that you accommodate his preference because this is just what he prefers.

I have become so  involved in S’s life that I now feel a sense of responsibility for his welfare”- you feel like you are responsible for his welfare, but you are not responsible for his welfare. One of the categories of distorted thinking referenced in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy is called emotional reasoning, meaning we feel that something is true–> we believe it is true.

It will be helpful to state to yourself reality vs the feeling, saying to yourself something like: I am not responsible for his welfare. It is not my fault that he relapsed. It is not my job to take care of him. Etc. Best if you state these things while you are relaxed, letting the words sink in slowly.

“My heart breaks for him when I think of everything he has had to endure throughout his life”- you have much empathy for him. Balance this empathy with some empathy for your own suffering: for your heart breaking, your head aching, your anxiety and poor sleep.

Balance your empathy for him with understanding that many millions of people have suffered and are suffering throughout the world every single day, from pain similar to S’s. So much pain in the world and you can’t carry it all on your shoulders without being crushed underneath.

It is okay to feel empathy for S, just not so much that it crushes you.

“My greatest fear is that he will end his life, either intentionally or accidentally”- this is a heavy burden to live with, this fear. Repeat to yourself that if this happens, it will not be your responsibility- this may lighten the burden.

The serenity prayer can help: “grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can’t, and the wisdom to know the difference.” You can list the things you cannot change and aim at accepting the fact that indeed there is nothing you can do to change those things. Then list the things you can change and go about changing those things.

Do post again anytime.

anita