Dear Anita,

actually I’m really glad you did bring up this point because precisely this questioning of my own motives/behaviour and my husband’s behaviour is exactly what has been going on (or around and around!) in my head for some time now, leaving me feeling confused.   I do know what you mean about not being too exacting and critical with a man who is not perfect, yet secure and loving.   When my husband is helpful, I get a bit wobbly with my boundaries, although I should know better.

I thought he was a secure guy when I met him, though I was in emotional turmoil at that time, so maybe not seeing clearly.   I know now that he’s one of those natural charmers who can wear a smile whilst they lie in your face.  I was dished up a lot of empty promises, but as I said, still didn’t want to give up hope.

It does me good to read you stating clearly that lying is not good enough.  I am afraid I used to play down a lot of his behaviours  because I was just glad he wasn’t violent, and I was grateful for the human closeness.  I know it is really pathetic, but I wasn’t able to believe I deserved better at that time.  I supported him financially for over 10 years, though today I see that he inexcusably used up all my resources, and I was inexcusably lacking responsibility.

I feel it’s the same dilemma as with my parents, I call it “sweetened poison”.  It’s easier if someone is just a total **§§** – then you know where you are, but when someone exhibits both nice and unacceptable behaviour, it leaves me feeling confused.  Oddly I was never confused in business, fair but decisive, there was no messing with me.

So this is why I am glad you brought this subject up, because I am still learning about clear boundaries.  I feel it has helped me to learn to understand my husband’s behaviours are as much a result of his childhood traumas as mine are, but I wasn’t sure which boundaries I am entitled to, tbh.

Thinking about mirrors, I did have a teacher who was very supportive.  In fact two English teachers were always telling me to become a writer, but my parents responded so negatively, so the seed never sprouted.  I’m still not quite free of the way they mercilessly quashed my creativity.  I still don’t quite dare to live it, though it’s like an ocean within me and I long to be creative.

How lucky you are that you have found such a trustworthy mirror!  I am truly glad for you.

Juanita