Dear Juanita:

“I need more help to find clarity regarding the assessment of people’s characters… I have trouble in getting clear about which are the people who are mainly good, and which are  mainly hurtful- and how to set boundaries with the hurtful ones without being a mean person.. with my husband.. it feels like almost asking too much of someone to be responsible and consistent… I feel guilty if someone does something nice for me… If this were business, I would find it much easier- either it is a reliable, consistent partner, or I don’t want to do business with them and cut the connection. Why do I find it so excruciatingly difficult to be so clear and consequent in personal affairs?”

When you meet a person in a business setting, you don’t spend any time with that person in a private setting, like waking up in the morning together and going to bed at night, sitting by the TV and commenting on shows, or seeing that person sick and comforting them, seeing them weak and needy. In the business setting you have way less information to process about the person, and for a well defined, business goal.

In the private setting, you have less of a defined goal and a whole lot more information to process, information that is suspended in your brain like fog, preventing you from seeing clearly.

For the purpose of gaining clarity regarding your husband, I suggest that you answer the following questions in an objective, factual way, not adding your interpretations and perceptions:

1. List the lies he told you and the timeline of his lies, best you can (“He is a compulsive liar”).

2. List the empty promises he promised you and the timeline of his promises, best you can (“I was dished up a lot of empty promises”).

3. List his frustrating avoidant behaviors and frequency of those behaviors over time (“I find his avoidant behaviours too frustrating for everyday life”).

anita

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