Dear User34:

Regarding your ex boyfriend, you wrote that when he was drunks he called you “stupid, idiot and other” names, and you “used to beg him not to speak poor of me when he was drunk.. I used to beg him to stay calm, to drink less.. I felt like it was a natural thing for me to do”.

It felt natural to beg him because as a child you begged your parents, mostly your mother: “When I was a child, I used to beg them (mostly my mother) to spend time with me”.

Like I suggested earlier, we often operate in a romantic relationship in the same way we operated in our early life relationships with our parents.

“felt like it was my fault” in the relationships with your parents=> felt like it was your fault in the relationship with your boyfriend (“I am blaming myself for the reactions I had when he was drinking.. I would sometimes think I should tell him I am sorry for the things I done wrong and if I hurt him during our relationship”).

You grew up with your grandparents until you were around 13 because your parents divorced and your mother was depressed, “I remember she cried, probably depressed”. You begged her to spend time with you, but it didn’t work and you “felt abandoned over and over again”. A child automatically feels it’s her fault, whatever bad things happens. The bad thing that happened to you was that your mother was not there, and when you saw her she was so sad that she cried. So you figured it was your fault, you must have done something wrong.

Did your mother ever tell you what happened, that she was depressed and too troubled to raise you, and that she is sorry that she wasn’t there  for you, anything like that?

anita