Dear Anita,

thank you for your concern.  The horror I felt is not because of your suggestion but due to facing those ugly truths.  I have spent some time writing the lists now.  I am sure there are more things to write but it’s a start.  Writing those truths down made me feel pretty nauseous.  So here you are:

1. List the lies he told you and the timeline of his lies, best you can (“He is a compulsive liar”).

I cannot ever list all the lies, it is impossible, there are too many to count.  It is a continuum with every contact we have. I don’t know most of the time what is the truth and what is a lie as I find them out later, sometimes serious issues, but often about silly, irrelevant things.

I now question whether his original interest in me was a lie and that he was just after an inheritance I was due (which was common knowledge locally but I subsequently didn’t get).

Examples of lies I found out:

He often spent the whole monthly shopping money in the first week (I was the sole earner)

He enlisted someone to do work but then hid the bill (in my name only) due to the high cost of which I had no idea, and I didn’t find out until the bailiff came to the door.  Then he denied any knowledge of the bill.

He spent all of my savings in secret which I had put aside for a pregnancy to enable me to close my business for a while.

He told me shopping costs were very expensive (I was paying) but in reality he was siphoning money off for himself.  Then he lied about that too until I proved it.  He always flatly denies everything unless I can come up with proof.

Recent example of all the endless, mundane lies: he has lied to me every time he spoke of the outstanding money a client owes him (changing the figure 5-6 times).  Then when he asked me to do a translation for that client, I discovered the real figure – different again.

1. List the empty promises he promised you and the timeline of his promises, best you can (“I was dished up a lot of empty promises”).

He promised we would dance on the beautiful wooden floors in my house once they were finished and that he would take me dancing.

He promised me a family (children).

He promised to look after me and build a home and family together.

He promised to finish building works on my house and that it would be a jewel (he is a carpenter and builder).

He promised that when I sold my house we would go abroad and do “Workaway” to save money whilst travelling around Europe and searching for a new home but he refused to do anything once we got there (and I was paying).

He promised with every new address in a different place that “the next house we’ll settle down and I’ll get a job”

1. List his frustrating avoidant behaviours and frequency of those behaviours over time (“I find his avoidant behaviours too frustrating for everyday life”).

He seemed quite normal re. closeness and intimacy for 5 years until we married. Within a year he withdrew from the bedroom and continued in a pattern of closeness-distance until we separated, which was mainly distance only for long periods of time.

Originally we mainly went out together, but especially after we moved abroad he didn’t want me around when he went out.

We originally worked together to make a new garden, and did a lot of things together generally, but then he changed and only wants to do things alone.

He barely communicates anything he’s doing.  When we lived together he didn’t communicate when he was leaving or when he would return.  Now we are living separately, he still seldom considers communicating in advance when he will be coming.

I don’t know what category this frustrating behaviour falls into, but basically he seldom keeps his word.  E.g. he says, I’ll be there at 7, but then he just doesn’t come, nor call, and subsequently always has an excuse for any behaviour.

So Anita, I am interested to hear your comments.  In the meantime I’m going to play with my cat and try to cheer myself up again.

Juanita