Dear Crawford:

You  brought up an excellent topic in your original post here. I too feel very uncomfortable when people do that, saying negative, critical, hateful things about themselves. On one hand I don’t feel like saying, for example: no, you are not stupid, you are smart etc.., and on the other hand I feel awkward about not saying anything at all.

“Why people downplay themselves?”- because they get anxious and want to feel better. Here is an example: person A is in a conversation with person B. During the conversation,  a thought occurs to A: I-am-stupid (many of us have very critical “inner critics” that criticize us all day long).

Next, A is thinking that B is thinking: A-is-stupid!

Next, A is thinking that B is about to say to A: you are stupid!  A gets anxious, afraid of how it will feel to hear B say it, so A says it himself. That way, the words are out of the way and A didn’t hear B say it.

What should B say when hearing A downplaying himself (or herself)- something like: I am sorry you feel this way, or: it must hurt to think negatively about yourself. Or: I too think (or thought) negatively about myself and it made me feel hurt and anxious when I had those thoughts. If A  asks you to talk more on the topic of negative thoughts/ inner critic, take it from there. If A says nothing in response, leave it at that.

* Regarding the friend who “sometimes pretends to be stupid.. saying she forgot things which I know she has not, or asking me obvious things which I know she knows..”- first, maybe she did forget and asks questions she forgot the answer to. Anxiety does that to people, makes them not pay attention, so they don’t really hear previous answers to a question and ask the question again. When this happens again, the friend asks a question you think she knows the answer to, ask her something like: do you remember that half an hour ago I answered that question?

anita