Dear Aizhana:

You shared in your previous thread and in this one that you have “a long history of depression, self-hate and anxiety”, that you were on meds, got off them, went regularly to therapy, then started taking meds again because of work problems and the quarantine earlier this year, and you are on a break from therapy because you made a lot of progress.

You described your boyfriend (almost 29) as depressed, self hating, whining, overreacting, immature , having very poor social and table manners,  quite incapable in matters of practical skills, financially dependent on his mother, living on a very small amount of money every month (so much so, that at one point he told you that having a sandwich with two slices of bread is wasteful). He  is currently working on his BA, plans to go for an MA, and his dream job is to be a writer, which is very difficult to reach.

You, being 26, are superior to him in all the areas that you mentioned, including being able to cook and drive, being financially independent and working in your dream job.

“To him, I sound like I put myself on a pedestal and feel superior to him”- reads to me that his inferiority in all the areas you mentioned may be behind that good foundation that you mentioned in this sentence: “I’m extremely thankful for this relationship as it’s been a good foundation on which I started building more and more confidence as an adult. I started running towards a goal thanks to him”-

– Maybe his inferiority made you feel safe. He has been stationary, from not driving to not working, to not maturing.. not going anywhere, so you could count on him to be there for you if you move forward, and so, you had the courage to run forward.

It is similar to a child being able to move away from her parent and explore life only when she feels safe enough that her parent will still be there for her when she needs comfort, so she moves away from the parent, gaining some independence, looks back to see that the parents  is still there, then explores life some more, moving closer and closer toward independence. The independence I am referring to in your case is emotional independence.

I don’t think you owe him to stay in the relationship with him. If you feel safe enough to keep moving forward in your life without him, it will be a good idea that you end this relationship and move forward in your life. As is, I don’t think you are harming him, but you are not helping him either. If you continue the relationship with him, reads to me that you will be paying a heavy price for that initial safety that you felt with him, the safety that made it possible for you to make significant progress in your mental health.

anita