“pleasing you means denying himself.” => Interesting enough, many times at the beginning he told me that my desires should be the priority and him could pass in second. And then he started to stop acting like that when i told him many times that it wasn’t how it was supposed to be as we were two and his needs counted as much as mines. I feel like after he got pretty confused about what to do and how to act with me. “I want you to be yourself, don’t be what you think i would like you to be, don’t say or act in a way which doesn’t correspond to your expectations just because you think it would correspond to my desires” i repeated many times. Acting in a way you think it could please to someone could mean hiding your personality (hiding your flaws and your downs) in order to look more pleasant right? Could it be possible he wanted to act like this because he didn’t want me to see his trueself and therefore his mental illnesses?

I was thinking that maybe the fact that i read through him pretty easily (spotting his anxiety and his main insecurities) could have made him more.. insecure about me actually? I mean, at the beginning it’s normal to want to look at our best, being always on top. And i remember during a conversation at the beginning, i told him i was able to read birthcharts and i was kinda good to read through people. Then he naturally asked me what i saw with him. Maybe he got scared afterward? As he saw i saw not only his qualities but also his flaws quickly, since this moment he stopped trying to “show off” and he started to be less “overconfident” i would say. Obviously i didn’t talk dirty to him, i just talked about his potential anxiety and his need to be seen for what he was capable of.

“Children react to extremes by choosing one extreme or the other, it’s part of the all-or-nothing, black-and-white thinking characteristic of children.” => True, this is why i wonder why he’s attracted to me and why i was the “chosen” one to try something out. His mother is a bit similar to mine (bossy, strict, old-school and with mine we can add a “bourgeois” side) and i kind of hated my social environment for a longtime. I went totally against those social norms i was raised in (i had a period punk, i went on strike with the anarchists, i was part of antifa movements etc..). I slowed down with time but still, i have some rests of these periods of my life and even if now i accept more the fact that i’m privileged, i’m far to be a “stereotype” of my social class. But once again, i shouldn’t feel the need to justify my appearance right?

I remember something else as well, i understood he got many rejections, actually more rejections than acceptations when it came to relationships, dating and so. He found a few girls for sex but after they refused to go further away with him. Could it be possible that he thought i was going to let him down? That i wasn’t totally serious and that i couldn’t really wanting to be with him while i knew his flaws?