Dear Anita,

it is very meaningful to me too, to have found you, to have gained your friendship.  I have to think of the sweet Fox in “The Little Prince”, who explains so beautifully to the little Prince how to build trust and friendships.  In the past I gave my heart away too easily, I realise now.  I had no idea that not everyone would treasure and honour my gift of friendship.  I thought that being a loyal and trustworthy person would automatically ensure good friendships, but having lost virtually all my friends along the way, I now know this is not so.  You are helping me to dare to trust again, and I am very grateful to you for this encouraging experience.  Equally importantly, you are helping me to realise how poorly I cared for myself in the past and that I deserve to be respected and treated well and fairly – and this starts with how I treat myself and what I believe I deserve.

It is interesting that you should mention that precise quote from Khalil Gibran, because I always think of it when I think of you!  I wonder what that means – is this more than a coincidence?  I like it very much.  I do actually believe what he says, that we are not from our parents at all.  This was a big argument I always had with my mother even when I was quite small still, long before I found Gibran.  But although I had intellectually and perhaps even spiritually understood on a deeper level, that I am a free soul, not a human creation, at the same time I failed to notice the chains which my mother bound me with, or maybe even I bound myself to her, due to my desperate desire to receive love and acknowledgement from her.  I didn’t realise until our exchanges now (you and I), just how much I must have suppressed or denied, or I don’t know what, but that I totally lost my awareness of those chains.  I see now that the intellectual and spiritual level gave me a belief in my freedom, yet I have remained factually bound and gagged.  Or imprisoned in the cage we have spoken of, to take another metaphor.

Regarding my poor old dog, I am not happy with tonight’s results at the vet.  They are good people but not qualified to treat this situation, I feel.  I am still not sure what is wrong with my dog.  It was a different vet this evening (same practise), and he thinks it is a mechanical problem, possibly with a trapped nerve.  So maybe my other dog jumped on the old one, or she slipped, or a combination of various things.  The vet just gave her some heavy duty medicine again, but this is no real solution as her back legs and spine are clearly out of place, which I initially attributed to being twisted by the vestibular syndrome as it looks very similar.  Having spoken with my husband now, we have decided to take her to a clinic where they specialise in physiotherapy for dogs, but also offer acupuncture and other holistic treatments.  She is too old for surgery, so maybe this will be a solution.

I am glad that my husband and I are able to deal with situations with our pets so well.  I am very sad that my old dog is suffering though and I always feel a bit guilty, as if no-one should ever suffer when I am there, which is of course quite unrealistic and I realise now this is part of my childhood legacy and I am trying to be kinder to myself and recognise how much I have been actively doing for my pets.

The ever closer reality of losing my old dog also brings to awareness that the last vestiges of my old life will then have disappeared, as I chose her in the early years of our relationship.  I feel some fear at that thought.  I hope my dawning realisations will lead me to discover a new life that I am enthusiastic about.

Thank you for being understanding and leaving me that space open regarding how I am able to communicate about what happened, if at all.  It still feels very raw right now and I am just letting it all settle again and hope to then know how I can best deal with it.

At the moment I am a little dazed still to realise that I have been living like in a time machine where time has stood still for 18 years.  That realisation is still sinking in.  I can feel that it is true.  I am also becoming ever clearer about the kind of treatment that I deserve and should expect from other people.  You have helped me to see the unacceptable cruelty of my parents, but also of my husband.

This new awareness leaves me equally shocked at the awful behaviour I have tolerated from supposed friends, family and lovers over my lifetime.  The recent situation with my neighbours (the witches and weeds folks) brought to my attention how “naturally” I accepted a man being a pest and harassing me, totally overstepping my boundaries by always trying to turn the conversation to sex when we were alone, and being generally importunate.  And I thought I had to tolerate this for the sake of friendship and peace with my neighbours!

The irony was not lost on me that I bent over backwards, let myself be pushed around and used for “entertainment”, yet in the end I was made to blame.  So, recognising I have nothing to lose, I have decided to speak my mind from now on, to not oblige myself to accept or tolerate any kind of behaviour which is not acceptable to me in truth, for the sake of “peace” – because it wasn’t giving me any peace anyway and just lead to another fiasco.

I believe that the new understanding which is blossoming within me of my rights in connection with other people will lead me to meet other kinds of people than so far.  In looking back, I realise how much suffering I would have avoided, had I just followed what was right for me.  I see that the needy child within believed in other strategies, but they clearly do not work any longer.

It is very late now and I have to go to sleep.  I often think of you when I see the big constellation above my front gate each evening, it is called “The Plough” or “Big Dipper”.  I marvel then that somewhere far away you are seeing these same stars.  When you see them twinkle at you, they are waving hello from me.

Juanita