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Reply To: I’m probably codependent

HomeForumsRelationshipsI’m probably codependentReply To: I’m probably codependent

#363128
Nicka
Participant

Hi GL. Thanks for your reply. I’ll do my best to address your questions.

Each person do have their own personal baggage. So the question is: how have you learned how to live with yours?

I have seen many therapists over the years. I was once on medication before I decided to try more alternative routes. I currently work with a life coach who helps me identify harmful core beliefs. I am always trying to understand my past and my childhood and how those events inform my current actions and situations. I don’t sit still on getting help, changing, or mental health. I am still working at just accepting that I am who I am and maybe I won’t ever change. I tend to think that I can change the things in my life that don’t serve me.

Though you’ve detailed the paths some of your relationship had taken, you don’t have anything on the topic of self care, other than you don’t have any support near you? Do they live far from you? Are you active in any social forums? Were you a part of any group meet ups before that you can contact via Zoom? What activities have you taken up other than attending classes?

Yes, my family live in other states and out of the country. I am not active in social forums, though I am looking to find some. I was part of a few groups and organizations that do not meet by Zoom as they have disbanded due to the virus. I have not identified other organizations in the past few months to get involved in.

Which lead to the question: what is the relationship you have with yourself? Is it similar to the kind of relationship you had with your exes? Is it the kind that you called yourself names and shame yourself? Is it the kind that you find boring if it’s just you alone with yourself? Do you allow yourself to feel your emotions or do you feel them through the reactions of others?

I did not shame those men. When I talk about their actions or where they are I’m their lives, it is meant to be descriptive, curious, etc. I am an introvert, so I typically prefer my own company and don’t mind being bored or alone. That has often contributed to friends falling by the wayside over the years; in periods of recharge or depression or loss, not everyone stays around. Or I put more effort into my own quiet than in developing friendships. I do well with one on one relationships and intimacy, so I do end up in romantic relationships. Things are a two way street, though. My efforts to make new friends don’t always go the way I’d like. I try, not everyone responds. Not everyone is everyone else’s cup of tea. It’s painful and sometimes I shut down and get down on myself for not being better at making friends. This has been me my whole life. And honestly, I’m at a point where I don’t always trust others or that they’ll stay or want to be around. One of my issues. Also, I do allow myself to feel my own emotions, sometimes to a fault. It would behoove me to detach from them a bit more at times.

He might have ‘close’ family nearby that could potentially support him, but you don’t know their family’s history as intimately as he does. So it was a judgement on your part to tell him that it felt that the separation easier for him than you because he had ‘support’. His anger of that is pretty understandable. You decided you knew what his possible emotional state was or the support he had when you’re not even him. But did he actually told you that he wasn’t responsible for his emotions or was that you deciding how to interpret it? Because a lot of his actions does look like from your narrative, but you’ll also have to see it as a judgement call on your part too.

He and I have talked at length about his relationship with his family and I have experienced it firsthand; this was not am out-of-pocket observation. I did not tell him how he felt so much as assume. “It seems like maybe separation is easier for you because you have family around.” That is an assumption that is easily refuted and I do not mind being corrected and told what the deal really is when it comes to other’s emotions. I said it when trying to understand his relative nonchalance about it when he is oftentimes more effusive about his feelings toward me. People make assumptions all the time and we correct them. He makes them at me often. I may get a little peeved, but I try to correct the assumption. He doesn’t always shift his assumption based on my correction, however. I can’t do anything about that. I said he doesn’t take responsibility for his emotions because he often doesn’t. He will lodge a judgment at me, “You think I’m being weak right now, stop looking at me like I’m weak,” when that is the farthest thing from my mind. I take a moment to see where he’s coming from and think, “Ok, this isn’t about me,” and try to be patient about getting to what’s really going on.

Now, it’s understandable that you’re combing through your memories to try to make sense of your past, but your vocabulary has a feeling of blame in it. You don’t want to be a fool? What does that mean? You were ashamed of being drunk even though that’s just a chemical reaction in your body which means you weren’t clear headed at that moment? You have a lot of baggage, yes, but where’s the compassion for being human? You’re caring, but for whom?

Maybe there is some blame there, when I’m really just wanting to take responsiblity for my actions. I don’t want to be a fool drunkenly accusing people of things when sober I would never have behaved like that. But I am the one who chose to drink. I was ashamed of how I behaved, yes. Shame can be a powerful motivator to make different choices in the future: “I know I don’t tolerate caffeine and nicotine well. I will limit myself to x amount of drinks.” I don’t judge all drunk people for drinking or doing drunk behaviors. I felt bad that we’d had such a great time and a pretty good relationship and I potentially ruined it with my actions. It’s up to me to forgive myself and I’m mostly there. I do have compassion for myself for being a young victim of predators. I do have compassion for myself for feeling sad about being betrayed. Sometimes we don’t know when a trigger will get pulled. I was also being judged by him for those same chemical reactions you mention, although when he had a similar chemical reaction recently, that same standard did not apply to him, but to me to be aware of his state and not hold him accountable, and I did not. It just doesn’t feel fair to me. But hey, life isn’t right?

You’ve excused a lot of your ex behavior until the straw broke the camel back so what’s helped you opened your eyes to the reality of your relationship? To the relationships that you want, but don’t do much to cultivate? There are many ways to create a support system, but you’ve only focused on romantic relationships so far. What about friendship? Why did so much of your effort go into romantic relationships and not friendships? You want a support system, but it doesn’t seem you’ve tried to established any friendships to even get it started.

Again, friendships are a two way street. I’ve had many emails and texts go unanswered over the past months. Even though it seems I wrote a tome up there and tried to provide some context, one cannot fully write one’s life out completely in a post that’s focused on getting insight about a particular situation. I have walked into many rooms and been immediately dismissed. I have had long, deep, and supportive talks with people that I’d see on a regular basis that end up going nowhere. I am friendly and open in my old (ha) age, but things don’t always click. At the party the other night, I made friends with the wives and shot the shit with the husbands. Great times had by all until I lost my mind. Like everyone, surely there are many things about myself I’m missing, I know that. But if I knew what to do differently, I would.

Again, thanks for your comment GL.