Hi Anita,

I apologize for my late reply, I somehow missed yours! Thank you so much for your reflective thoughts on the man I mentioned earlier. I think you’re right, that these traits could have continued if I stayed in a long term relationship with him. Who knows, maybe in the space of us not dating, maybe he was able to work on these flaws too. Or maybe not. Either way, I don’t see it anymore as a fatal mistake that I didn’t stay with him anymore. Thank you for that.

I also really appreciate your reflections on the feeling more “alive” vs. bland in your life. That gives me so much hope. I think I am slowly coming out of my bland emotional reset time, but it’s a process.

I’ve actually returned here to discuss a different issue I am now facing. I might make another thread about it. To my utmost surprise, a week or so after posting about the man that got married, I met someone. He was not my usual type in many ways, but he was kind, assertive, generous, and brilliant with creating and designing things. I was somewhat more interested in another man, but I decided to pursue (let’s call him S) because he was so clearly pursuing me. I met him in the other city I’m planning to move to, and the experience was lovely. I felt somewhat alive again! But I was feeling even better because it wasn’t so flashy as you say, just a happy aliveness. Anyway, this continued for the month or so, even when I had to travel last minute back to my city because my dog became very ill. I thought we might lose him. Between that and my father’s recent cancer diagnosis and then surgery, I have felt it quite difficult to be away. Yet at the same time, I wanted to invest in this person that I could actually maybe see a future with as he indicated he could with me.

He told me how he had purchased a property just outside the city that would allow him to move his company to the studio he was building and how he had even thought about how I could run my virtual practice there as well. He told me how he had “done the math” and how we had a great connection and our future goals aligned. This both excited and frightened me. I think despite desperately wanting a relationship, I also tend to become afraid when one is potentially possible, and if my anxiety is not in check, I tend to sabotage. While he was telling me these positive things, he also told me that he is 6 months out of a tumultuous 2-year relationship, and still felt a little pressure to date others as well, to “be confident in his decisions” moving forward. Instead of taking this well, I took it badly and began pushing him away. I also divulged too much of this to a bit of an overly nosy friend, and I let her get to me in saying it was totally inappropriate what he was doing and that I should tell him this. I now think this advice was a bit too extreme, but at the time I listened to it. I, unfortunately, uninvited him from meeting my brother and became short and cold to him. As if that wasn’t bad enough, I proceeded to have too much to drink that night and ended up sending some really odd texts that I now regret. He then told me he had a date scheduled the next day, and I really lost it. First I didn’t reply, even when he added that it was someone he knew from 8 years ago that used to date his friend and was more of a meet up than a date. Even then hours later I said “ Good luck on your date. I am not interested in being anyone’s plan B. I hope it pans out for you, thank you for being kind to me. Goodbye S, I wish you all the best.”

I felt bad about this is the morning, so I said “ Sorry, I should have been honest and admitted that I was drinking last night. I’m not even too sure why I said what I did. Hope you have a good day.” to which he replied:

“I’m sorry to hurt your feelings , this meeting was planned a week ago. My perspective isnt a plan b scenario, I’d like to go thru the motions get out a and meet some people so that I’m confident in my decisions. I feel you where kinda mental toying with me last night , I didnt have a good feeling. I also dont want to say goodbye, but that’s something you meantioned. I also meantioned I’d rather not gave a stressful convo before bed and the opposite is what actually happened. Please have a good day. I’m sorry o dont have my mind made up about us.

I need a bit of space theres a lot goin on around me w work etc. I’ll just shut down if you press me too hard. Agsin I’m sorry your upset and I hope you can make the best of the day.”

I gave him space for the next day or so, but then he messaged me and I messaged back. When I asked if he was still planning on getting my bike today (he had asked to get it to tune it for a bike ride for us on the weekend), he said “ I’m sorry not after our last interactions. I think your a nice person , but I dont feel theres any merit in a meeting not that it would change anything. I was hoping for some space. If you want to get something off your chest I’m free for a call at 12:30.“ after I asked to meet up to discuss our bad conversation and to explain myself. When I asked him if it was how I behaved that night that caused him to feel this way, he said “ This is a bit intense for me , I’m sorry. Consider us friends , I got your back. I’d rather not discuss it any further.” I did end up talking to him on the phone that day, he spoke about how he felt pressure from me to start a relationship so soon and that he wasn’t sure that he was ready at this point and that we didn’t know each other well enough yet to make that call.  He said he was worried about a few comments I made and was bothered by my mixed signals and would see how he felt the next coming days and that he “might” reach out to me on the weekend. Although sadly, he did not. It’s now been 4 days since I have spoken with him, when before I would hear from him throughout each day.

I am torn if I should continue just to leave it as it is as I haven’t heard from him, or send him a short message indicating that I am leaving either Thursday or Saturday this week to go back home. I feel so badly about how I behaved, especially when he had been so kind and supportive of me up until this point. I think he was really hurt when I lashed out at him and said he couldn’t meet my brother or even come fix up my bike like he wanted to after I told him it was okay to take things slow and date others only just the night before. I also feel like I didn’t fully respect his desire for space, and he went from contemplating us to then saying we could be “friends”. I’ve talked to some friends about this, and they have almost all said I should just leave it and walk away. What do you think? I just feel so sad that I did this to myself, once again.

L