Hi! I had left this awhile ago because I started to feel better and have felt better.. Until now.

My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 months now, going onto 11 soon. These obsessive thoughts don’t really ever go away completely, but they do numb down and I forget about them, but as of right now, they are not. I almost broke down crying last night due to this.

I’ve had these ongoing thoughts since the first month of us being together. He never did anything wrong, no turn offs or anything. We are in an online relationship so therefore never actually seen each other in person(but we have video-called and such). When these thoughts started, it was when I was in class and my mind was just wondering around and latched onto that thought. I use to surf the internet trying to find reassurance and later found out that it’ll just make it worse, so I avoided it.

I’m not really the type of person to show or feel much emotion. When I’m upset, I tend to not feel much and sometimes won’t cry or feel upset(will come up later). Same with being excited and other feelings.

With an ex of mine, every time we’d talk, my heart would race and I’d get butterflies. I was always happy to talk to him and always had these strong infatuation feelings towards him. With my current boyfriend, though, I haven’t felt these feelings basically at all. I felt a spark and a liking to him, and as said, I was always craving him and being obsessed with him, but never the heart racing or butterflies. Because I never felt those, they connected to the question in my mind, “Do you really love him?”, “What if you don’t love him?”

Another thing that I tied onto was comparing how I feel to how he does. When I cry, he said he gets a stomach ache and wants to cry too bc, but doesn’t with others. As for me, when he cries, I get worried and concerned and I go into a calm state, but I never physically feel anything like a stomach ache, my heart may feel like it’s racing sometimes when it’s not but that’s about it.

I do think that maybe it’s because we had just came down to my Dad’s friend’s house to stay for a few days before we go camping for a week and so I’ve been upset because I can’t actually talk to my boyfriend, who we’ll call Arch(it’s a nickname I have for him because it’s in his gamer tag on xbox) for two weeks, and this Thursday to next Thursday I won’t be able to text him or anything either. When I’m at home though I do still have these thoughts, just not as strongly.

I’m really sorry if this is all jumbled and hard to understand, I’m not good with sequencing or grammar. These thoughts cause me a lot of stress and they really scare me. I want to spend my life with this guy and only this guy. Not only is he my boyfriend, but my best friend. In the past two years of us knowing each other, we have gone through a lot and have so many memories and things I don’t want to go to waste. And just in general, this guy is amazing to me. He has his flaws, but I love them. There’s nothing I see wrong about him, he’s great. I don’t ever want to give him up, but these thoughts scare me a lot. I’ve never had them before, and it worries me that I don’t love him, when I know I want to and believe that I do, regardless of the thoughts.