Hi Anita,

You are so very insightful, as always. I honestly had never thought about this before. The Fantasy doesn’t exist, it doesn’t matter what I do or don’t do to ensure it’s survival. I suppose I’m slowly getting used to the idea of coming back down to Earth, to reality, instead of floating away in the clouds of Fantasy.

I think even my grief that I feel now, is grief for the Fantasy, not for this person, not for reality. In reality, there was nothing there to grieve. Just a fling.

That being said, I’m finding today a particularly hard day not to be angry with myself nonetheless. I am SO angry at myself for what happened with that “friend” of mine. I remember vividly that day that I didn’t want to speak with her, that I was busy with work and deciding what I was going to do with S at the time, but she kept texting me “call me, call me right now” and like an obedient child, I complied. Not only that, but I also let her talk at me on the phone for 2 hours, and promise her that I would report back to her what I did with S, basically that I take her advice only and uninvite him to meet me brother and to come over to fix up my bike (which was a very thoughtful thing for him to want to do!). Even now, since I have been back home, she has been calling and messaging me even when I say I am busy at work and can’t respond. It’s hard for me to believe I didn’t see what I see now in hindsight, how toxic this person is in my life.

It’s a painful lesson to learn. Perhaps (and more than likely) this relationship with this man would have bombed anyway, but it is a particularly bitter pill to swallow that I will never know. That I allowed old people-pleasing behaviour to destroy something good in my life. I’m not sure how to let go of this, to forgive myself for this. I just keep rereading all my messages and how I so clearly betrayed myself to make someone else happy. It’s really quite sad.

I now see parallels between this friend and my mother. Like my mother, I felt with her I had to do exactly as she said, no questions asked. That I wasn’t allowed to have privacy or boundaries. I am so upset with myself that I didn’t see the parallels sooner. That being said, if I had allowed myself to follow my gut and be honest about my feelings, I would have been able to consciously identify my discomfort with this “friend”. But I didn’t, and now I am here wishing and imagining a reality in which I did.

Anyway, sorry about the continued ranting! I suppose there is still a lot for me to process. I hope you have a great day ahead Anita!

L