Dear Hector:

I don’t remember ever considering that I may be enlightened. I’ve spent about 8 hours a day, 7 days a week, for over five years,  interacting with many hundreds of members from all over the world, for many months and years with dozens of members. In my interactions (all on record here), my goal was to learn about myself/others, using these forums here,  as a kind of online university where I direct my own learning, It is not an academic learning, as in placing a specimen (human brain/ motivations/ behaviors) under the microscope and studying it as something external to me; it is an inside-out learning, where I study a person and myself at the same time, placing both under the microscope, so to speak. After all this time of hard work, I got to be good at understanding others/myself.

I will now read your posts on the other thread, quote from you and comment on what you wrote there. I suggest that you take your time reading this before you reply, if you choose to reply. (No reason to rush- I’ve been here since May 2015 and I am not going anywhere):

“I feel unworthy of love, like a fraud waiting to be found out. Many Men and women think I’m a good guy, which hurts the most..  I feel utterly unworthy.. I’ve got quite a lot of opportunities to female affection but whenever I even start thinking about it, the sign in my head goes up ‘not for you‘… She  opened the door.. (her) facial expression.. has been the root cause of my feelings as a fraud throughout life whenever anyone would deem me a good guy, worthy of love, etc.”-

– you remember your mother’s strong disapproving facial expression directed at you when you were 5 or 6. It was not the only time she expressed  her disapproval of you, but it is the one time you remember well.

Nothing is more convincing to a young child than his mother’s disapproval (or father’s, depending on who spends most time with the child and/or who the child looks up to as the strong parent). A mother’s strong disapproval of her child, when repeated, and when  the mother does not show the child clearly how to win her approval, is a death sentence to the child’s sense of worth and of being a good person. The child reacts to her  disapproval by believing that he/ she is a bad person who is not worthy of anything good.

To believe what I just stated is devastating- it is like being caged in a prison cell of guilt, separated from anything good out there (“not for you“), wanting out but not knowing how to get out.

“at the age  of 11.. I felt uncomfortable, unworthy. Also guilty”- by the age of 11, you spent five or six years in that prison I mentioned, a prison of shame (I am a bad person) and guilt (I did terribly things).

“deep down, I think that maybe I’ve ruined (Lisa)”- the belief is that you are so bad that you ruin people- it is a “deep down” strong belief.

“we were 15.. puberty hormones had started.. we had started to watch porn.. Shortly after, we had already been playing around dry humping for some months.. That, I felt, was still somewhat ‘okay’- even if embarrassing, as many other teenage boys did far worse things”-

– by the age of 15, you spent about 10 years in that prison cell of unworthiness. Anything good- was not for you.

It is not possible for a person to deprive himself from any and all pleasures every day, all day long, day after day, week after week- the brain/ body desires a break from misery. This desire from imposed misery is why many people let go  of all restrains and binge-eat large  amounts of tasty food- they kind of.. steal moments of joy. They  reason: I will take ten minutes and enjoy myself the most in these ten minutes, eat whatever I want- so they do and then resume their pleasure-is-not-for-me policy.

Other people will take those breaks otherwise, like dry humping; you took your breaks from misery and then resumed your otherwise pleasure-is-not-for-me policy.

One of those breaks you took escalated (“high on hormones.. the hormones were too strong”-  sex drive hormones, like Testosterone), similar to an eating binge escalating (high on appetite-drive  hormones, like Leptin), to the point of throwing up.

Think of this: very heterosexual men in prison experience their sexual pleasure with other men because they need pleasure, and only men are available. Being in your own prison, where you lived, who was there that was available to you but the same age other boy? Who was available to him but the same age other boy in the home?

“At the age of 25 he collapsed, became bipolar.. He’s had many therapists during that time”, “when he was completely dazed on alcohol and sleeping pills, asking him if I’d done something to him that made his mind so tortured?.. Does he feel emasculated because  of the incident?”

Let’s look at the emasculation issue: who in your household emasculated your father? Answer: not you. Your mother emasculated your father.

Who has been the most powerful  person in your young life? Answer: your mother (the dominant/ masculine parent of the two).

Who has been the most powerful person in your brother’s young life? Answer: same answer.

The two of you were young, same age (twins)  boys under the power of your mother. You look at her now, as an adult, and you see a “noticeable dumber.. childlike in a way and much, much more emotional” woman of your size or smaller, and it is hard to imagine her as so very powerful. But in a young boy’s life, his mother is god.

Your mother weakened/ emasculated all three male members of the family. All three males suffered because of her behavior. You and your twin brother are her victims from childhood. Your brother is not your victim and you are not his victim. Both are victims of your mother.

(I don’t think your father or your brother want to talk about it, or ever will. Not unless either one goes to therapy and is invested in therapy. If I was you, I wouldn’t talk about it with them- they are likely to deny any or all  of it and cause you confusion).

Back to the devastating belief of being unworthy, the “not for you” belief. I wrote earlier that it is a death sentence, but not quiet. As humans, because of our ability to think and communicate using an elaborate language, unlike any other animal, we can initiate a healing process that includes changing core beliefs formed early in childhood. It is a long process that takes incredible persistence and patience.

I will stop here for now.

anita