Dear Anita

As always, your words are full of wisdom.

“Once we learn or adopt a certain behavior, we are chemically and biologically not meant to change that behavior.” So true- especially, as you said, when they are creating powerful emotions. Now I know why I feel emotionally exhausted- everything makes more sense.

“but it will require an alternative plan: what to do instead of spending hours thinking what you could have done, etc”- I will think about this. I’m very used to my old habits but I will try and create a new habit for sure. And give myself time and compassion while doing it.

“Who are you slowly losing? I am asking because it is most important to attend to this clearly stated conflict” – I used to be a people pleaser. In some ways, I still am. This PTRS habit strengthened because of my people pleasing tendencies and the gratification and rush of excitement I felt when people came to me. Sometimes I feel like I am almost always, available for everyone all the time. A listening ear, maybe a help- anything. I just find it hard to say no- but most importantly, I know how it feels to have no help, and go through things all alone, and a reminder of that situation and all the emotions associated with it makes me feel like I don’t want anyone else to go through it.

But as I said, this was making me emotionally exhausted. So for a long time I stopped talking to people. Rather, avoiding people, insteading of being assertive. And with this, people have stopped coming to me- or acknowledging me.

My entire life I have always felt ignored and misunderstood- but, I promised myself I will never make anyone else feel this way. All this empathy and kindness, slowly wore me out. So I tried escaping the situation. But now after understanding all of this- I started reaching out to people, but with boundaries.

Now you can definitely imaging the shift my personality has gone through- from someone who is available all the time, the agreeable, sweet, people pleaser- to someone who has started creating boundaries, assertive, and bold enough to express what I feel. (I still need to learn tactful handling on situations) And this has made me lose a lot of people who had a certain image of me in their minds, and now cannot accept the fact that I’ve changed, it’s a bittersweet feeling.

I have always tried so hard to fit in, and mold myself according to people, but when I realised that I never really understood myself or knew the things I wanted because of how hard I tried to please other people- I stopped. And started working on things I liked.

I can be really frank and rude sometimes. I’m better at communicating via text, and make my words appear sweeter. But in person- I am really honest, and what I say and how I say it doesn’t necessarily intend to come out the way I want it to. In contrast to the people pleaser I was- always saying the right things and agreeing with people- this is a change. And because of this, people have stopped talking to me unless they really know me.

Also, I struggle with the fact that I am the one who is constantly reaching out to people. Always. Still irks me, but I guess that’s me. Most of the friends I have don’t really check up on me, and when they do, I feel angry and don’t feel like responding. I can’t believe even after the self love and healing phase, I’m unable to manage and handle my relationships with other people.

I hope this makes sense. I guess this was a really long post but once I started typing, I couldn’t stop.

S