Dear Soufiola:

My understanding at this point: your father was/ is an angry man who  inflicted injustice upon your mother, yourself and your sister, mistreating all three of you.

Your mother’s gave you the job of lying to your father, of pretending that there is no problem. She gave you the job of taking your father’s unjust and humiliating treatment of you with a smile and a thank-you.

You expanded this job to the context of the two boyfriends you shared about, and the context of strangers as well, and you learned to find joy in it. You learned to find joy in being mistreated; you found a sense of strength in it: strength in being weak.

The job your mother gave you was that of being the sunshine, carefree girl, the yes-girl, the submissive girl, the one accepting injustice and humiliating treatment from others with a smile, and I-love-you,  and a thank-you. When your first boyfriend had you go home feverish by yourself, taking three busses a long way, while he had a running car- you got home and called him to tell him that you love him and you are lucky to have him.

When your family (your mother, I imagine, maybe together with your father..?) told you sometime in the last six months that you are objectively beautiful and lovable you got very angry. Maybe because that’s not how  you were treated for years. You were not treated as beautiful and you were definitely not treated as lovable.

Actions speak louder than words, and the contrast between words and actions led to your intense anger, did it not?

I suggest that you don’t quit your therapist, not unless you have a therapist you like better, one who will work for you with as much a motivation to help you as your current therapist. Don’t quit your therapist and be left with  only your mother, your father and sister in your life. You need someone on your side, someone who you can trust, someone whose words and actions go together- which is not the case of your mother, your father, or your sister.

When in the process of emotional healing, the progress is slow and gradual, sometimes there are regressions. Stick to the process of emotional healing, be patient, don’t give up and don’t give in.

It is not in your inherent nature to submit to mistreatment with a smile, and a thank you; It is a job that was given to you by your mother; a job that you performed very well because you loved your mother so much. But it is a sick and sickening job that promotes injustice (and you hate injustice!) –

So quit that job; don’t quit your therapist.

anita