Good evening Anita!

Thank you  for your kind replies and for taking the time to speak to me.

What you are suggesting is mind blowing to me. I can see how true it is. Clearly and objectively true. But see, this is what I wanted my therapist to do. To actually illuminate things for me. She doesn’t, she let’s me to figure out what’s going on and in fact, while in some instances it’s producing results, more often than not it doesn’t and I feel frustrated.

In all honesty, I pay this person to get answers not figure them out on my own. It’s because I’ve already tried and failed that I needed an experienced professional to do this for me. Not out of laziness but my brain is so fried for over analyzing and trying to see the end of the tunnel it’s painful.It really sounds shallow but that’s my truth.  With OCD and distrusting everything, I need an expert to show me the way. I’m not going to quit her, I’m giving it another chance. See where it leads…

One clarification though, my parents love and words of affirmation and admiration were equal to both me and my sister. What was lacking though was the distribution of time and importance on our feelings, life goals, achievements and that sort of stuff. My parents always told me I’m the most beautiful girl in the world, they call me their sun, because I’m so blonde and they get sad when they understand that it falls on deaf ears on my part. My sister always wanted to be blonde and green eyes like me, she always called me “model” and is also pissed off by the fact that it doesn’t register in my head. So, love I have all and more. Attention is what always was less than my sister. Even if the difference was quite small, I still understood that as my mistake for not being good enough to be important enough.

Not only was there love in words but also actions. I was never given less than my sister on a material level. My dad still drives us around, even at odd hours, just for our comfort and to be sure we are safe. It sounds silly, but that’s Greek culture. So, I’d be damned if I were ever to accuse my parents of mistreatment or lack of love and affection. What was lacking was the ability to stop feeding my sister’s and more often than not, not protecting me from her unjust, narcissistic or plain manipulative behaviors. Because they cannot see her as being guilty.

In a nutshell, they are not the parents who would prefer they kid to go in jail for a proven crime, in order for them to grow and face the consequences. But rather they would do anything for the kids comfort and delude themselves that that’s more loving. This is the case with my sister. Me, on the other hand, I was not allowed to be in a bad mood, make mistakes, be angry, have problems. As you pointed out, I have to be the sun girl. They cannot see how I could have any reason to be troubled. Do they perceive me as perfect or something? I’m not.

My disbelief in their statements stems off of the fact that feel-good words feel like brushing off the actual matter. “Don’t worry, your are so beautiful!” , For me that ain’t cutting it. I need constructive feedback, either positive or negative, with real arguments and no emotions mixed in. I might be too strict but this is how my brain works.  I don’t need compliments, I need encouragement and logic. When I just hear good words, I get the feeling that my parents want to get on with other things, they don’t want “the drama”. Having problems is drama for them. And I can see the boredom in their eyes for having to discuss certain things. So that’s why I can’t believe I’m pretty when told that. Even though they believe it, it’s superficial to me.

And your analysis about my role in my ex “relationships” is GOLD. Wow. It makes so much Sense. I treated them and my self as if I was role playing my parents marriage dynamic which I perceived as completely normal.

Let me know if you don’t understand something I say.  It’s currently 2:51 in the morning here plus my English got real rusty this summer. I’m double checking to be sure I’m making some sense!😆😅