Dear Anita.

Once again, thank you for your sage advice.

“character isn’t words; character is actions” is another way of saying, “he/she says it like it is.” Other expressions that are similar are,”a sharp shooter” or a “straight talker.”

So #2 (love bonding) is the more responsible path? And it’s suppose to be the most rewarding path? But the trade off is that it will be the most challenging of the two? What if #1 (the thrill) is pursued, but in a one night stand/hookup/fling? Is that okay?

Clearly, I’m seeking #2 because I’m lacking #1. But in all honesty, the thought of an age appropriate relationship is kind of boring. Something inside me would rather choose #3 (loneliness/void) instead of #1 (love-bond).

Other than being with a much older man, I can’t really think of other ways to fill this void. (Started reading about codependency, as suggested by Rose of Yellow. There’s an upcoming chapter on how to break free from codependency.) But in the meantime, how do you fill that void? And what does a trusting relationship look like? I must admit, I haven’t been able to trust ever since. That’s why bonds have been weak ever since. And how do you re-experience the love you lost? Or is it gone forever?

Please note: he was NEVER physically abusive to me or my mom. Plus, I don’t think he’s been emotionally abusive. I remember being scared of him when I was younger. He’s a dominating man who must control others/the environment he’s in. Think “my way or the highway.” I was scared of talking back/rebelling. I was basically scared of rejection. Because in caveman times, the outcast was most likely to die from the environment and/or being unable to gain resources. So the only coping mechanism I’ve thought of was to keep quiet. Since then, I’ve pretended to act like everything’s okay. I’ve been in hiding ever since.

It was really a case of abandonment. Being unable to “divorce” (pun intended) his past life with his present life. I took his past mistakes personally and somehow felt responsible for them. I felt our relationship was a sham. It was based on lies and secrecy. And naturally, I was mad. I wish he would talk about his past. There’s no point in hiding. Plus the truth comes out in the end. I know this sounds dramatic, but it felt like the Truman Show. Especially when the nurse tells Truman “everything’s a lie.” Just typing this, it still hurts to this day.

But with everything in life, there was a positive. One plus side would be the that the image of the perfect father was shattered. I stopped idolizing him. I finally saw him as a person. It made me prioritize trust more than anything in relationships. It forced me to be self reliant. And if I do end up having children, I would try to be upfront about everything that happened to me.

Suzanne.