Dear Brooke:

I apologize, I just realized that you asked me to post on current thread, I didn’t understand that earlier. Here is my reply to you copied to your current thread:

First I will summarize what I learned about you in this thread, with quotes of what you shared, and  after that I will respond to  your new thread.

When you were a very young child, younger than 5, you experienced this: “I used to be petrified of the dark, so every night I would cry when going to bed.. My parents would.. close the door on me (making it darker) and I would end up screaming because I was scared.. scared of the dark.. they just thought I was being naughty.. my father would come in and tell me that he is taking me to boarding school if I don’t stop. I grew out of this at the age of 5”.

Your parents misunderstood: you didn’t scream because you were naughty; you screamed because you were afraid. Because you were misunderstood, by the age of 5, you bottled up the fear of the dark, and the screaming in the dark. You kept that fear and screaming inside. Fast forward sixteen years, at the age of 21, you shared: “I bottle up on the inside because I’m afraid of others knowing what I feel”- afraid others will misunderstand you as well, and make life worse for you (figuratively close the door on you so it’s darker, or send you to a boarding school).

Already as a child, you bottled up not only your fear and other distressing emotions, but also your opinions. Your sisters were opinionated but you “became ‘easy going’ and didn’t form much of opinion .. around my sisters”. Fast forward: “I get along really well with my sisters, always have”, “I’m used to just following along and doing whatever everyone else wants, never putting my opinion forward because I don’t mind and honestly don’t want to make a scene”- a scene like you made screaming in the dark.

You don’t form opinions, or you form them but not voice them (“I would form my opinions but never really voice them unless I found it necessary”), and you avoid making decisions: “I’m someone who doesn’t like making decisions and usually leave it up to someone else”.

You adjusted as a child to your family by not having opinions, not voicing opinions, not asserting yourself and instead, you went along with what everyone else wanted. But you didn’t disappear all together, so to speak: “I found for myself, to be heard I needed to be slightly different, therefore I became outgoing and loud (opposite to my sisters) so I could be heard/ noticed”, “I was and still am known as being the outgoing and slightly show off type in the family.. but I’m also known as the easy going one”.

You wrote: “I find that I can’t really be myself in society… like I feel like myself when I’m with my family”- there is a difference between appearances and true nature: a bubbly, show off, very outgoing, loud and easy going appearance does not mean at all a confident, assertive person. You are an example of what I just stated: you are loud but your opinions are silent; you are outgoing, but much of what you feel and think is inward, unexpressed.

You wrote: “I’m scared of ‘losing my old self’… I’m slightly scared to accept that I am now an adult and that I can’t be a child anymore, like I don’t want to let go or grow up!”- I think that you are scared to lose your old appearance, your old personality (bubbly, show off, etc.) and afraid of becoming aware of, and expressing your true nature (emotions, opinions).

“I find that I can’t really be myself in society.. I feel like  myself when I’m with my family… I just want to be able to be my usual bubbly outgoing self again”- your usual bubbly outgoing self fit in the context of your family, not in the context of  larger society. It doesn’t mean that you should change your personality completely. it means that you should become more and more aware of your emotions and your opinions and make them part of what you express in society.

“In the ‘outside’ world I find that I don’t fit because everyone these days are very opinionated (especially in my workplace). Everyone seems to be a bit negative and rude to be honest and I find that I don’t have much of a negative opinion if at all.. I always have a positive spin to things (again, something I don’t want to change)”-

– You can keep being positive, but integrate some negative opinions about the world because it is realistic to do so. There is a lot of negativity in the world, after all, your very early experience of screaming in the dark and being misunderstood by your parents, who instead of comforting you, closed the door behind you so that your room got darker- that was a very negative early experience in your own life. Think realistically about life, about other people. If you are always positive, in the midst of negative situations, you will stand out as someone who is off, someone blind to reality.

“My sisters would express their opinion by just saying what they’re thinking/ feeling in a rather rude and blunt way. And they won’t budge from their statement until they get what they want. And if they didn’t get what they want they’d be cranky or upset all day”- you can learn to express what you are thinking and feeling in ways that are kind, flexible and honest. In other words, don’t reject expressing your thoughts and feelings just because your sisters expressed their thoughts and feelings in rude, rigid and dishonestly manipulative ways.

Part 2 of this post is my reading and responding to what you shared in your new thread: (at 21 or 22), you work in retail but would like to get into the entertainment industry, “always longed to be an entertainer”, but you second guess yourself, doubting if you are “talented enough to be noticed”. You are considering getting a full time job in the IT field and pursue acting/ performing on the side. But you worry that after studying and getting the certifications required, you will hate working in IT, or you won’t be able to get a job. You also considered starting your own business but you worry that will never work. You also consider choosing careers that help people and animals in need, in childcare, working with children with disabilities, but the money isn’t great.

“I’m slightly scared and confused and would love some words of wisdom and guidance to understand all these conflicting thoughts in my head”-

My input:

“I’ve always longed to be an entertainer.. maybe I’m not talented enough to be noticed“- this fits with what you wrote in this thread:

“I found for myself, to be heard.. I became outgoing and loud.. so I could be heard/ noticed“- the motivation in your childhood was to be heard and noticed by your parents; fast forward, your motivation is to be noticed by the whole world.

This is what you wrote July 12: “I would just speak loud or say a joke out loud to try and gain attention for a minute or two because my parents are so occupied with everyone else… I showed off by telling jokes and making people laugh, I’d do something weird like a random dance move.. look at me.. I’m not afraid to be in the spotlight.. show  off a little and then calm down to an extent”-

– when you showed off, told jokes, danced, in the context of your family, when you had that rare time being in the spotlight, it felt wonderful, you felt alive and intensely joyful, and it relieved your distress, you felt calm afterwards. Fast forward, you want that feeling-alive back, and you want that relief by showing off to the entire world as an entertainer, being in the spotlight.

This motivation, this desire does not mean of course that you have the skill or talent to do what it takes and to perform successfully in front of audiences as a paid entertainer. This is why I suggested to you earlier to attend an acting class so that you can experience showing off,  so to speak, in the context of an acting class, guided and given feedback by a good acting teacher.

I suggest again that you integrate your true emotions and opinions into how you present yourself to others- this will quiet down your need to show off. You need to be noticed for all that you are, instead of being noticed for.. a show off, a joke teller, an always positive spinner of reality, etc.

It is easy to think and imagine- you can think of and imagine a hundred scenarios of career choices, what can go wrong, and what can go right.. all in one day. But to practically take steps in the career world, that takes much more time: it takes months to explore one career path scenario.

So take a small real life step today, and another small real life step tomorrow, instead, of running with your thinking and imagination. Focus on being able to make just enough money to live independently of your parents, at this point. Childcare seems fine to me, if it allows you a modest, independent living. You can try it and see how it goes for you.

anita