Thanks Anita, I identify with a lot of what you said. I will say in periods of my marriage where I just relaxed and didn’t suspect anything – it didn’t end well for me. Something huge would happen (well beyond just normal vices) and I agree i’d fall into a pattern of feeling like I needed to be on alert. This leads me to kind of seeking the balance of ok this is a problem for me BUT also I have really strong intuition and usually if I’m sensing something it’s not nothing. Surely the level I perceive it at is a red flag to me that it’s also not just totally the other person. It’s just the balance there that I find very difficult to achieve. Not gaslighting myself when I know something isn’t quite right and also being aware of what my triggers are and wounds and how that influences what I perceive as threatening.

In the scenario with my current BF it’s honestly just this one situation that triggers these intense feelings. He had one other long term relationship we’ve talked about it lots and it’s sweet how he still thinks of that person fondly and can reflect on them well. I have none of the same feelings at all about that person or discussing them. I don’t know why all my bells and whistles go off so differently in regard to this one thing. We both enjoy a ton of personal space and freedom in our relationship and I don’t see myself seeking out other ways he might break trust with me.

I will take some time to process all of this. Thanks!