Dear Lea:

It took me some time to go over the 4 pages of your thread. In your two most recent two posts you shared that a week ago, you returned to your own apartment after spending the holidays with your mother in another country. When you arrived at her home, you told her that you needed to rest a lot, but.. she did not allow you that rest, and instead, she she was “a sort of energetic vampire”, the same vampire that she has been since you were a child (“She ALWAYS drains all my energy, many times since I’m a kid”). You shared that growing up with her, you were able to sense her negativity “from miles away, that something is wrong”.

When spending time with her most recently, these are 4 examples of her being an energetic vampire: (1) You left the shower clean but did not wipe off the water from the shower walls, she was stressed out about it, complaining that you didn’t leave the shower clean. (2) You told her that you needed to rest (you had your finals not long ago, for one), but she blamed you for not spending the energy to interact more with people, accusing you of “being apathetic towards everything and everyone”. (3) During your visit with her, she was depressed about her husband (your step father) not fitting her high expectations of him,  and she expected you to  help her with that. (4) During the same visit, she wanted you to call an airline and get a refund of her ticket after a trip to the US (which she was to take with you) was cancelled because of Covid months ago,  a task that she should have taken care of herself long ago, because as a retired woman she had the time, while you, a student, did not have the time.

Back in your place for a week now, you feel “much more relaxed”, feeling that you can “finally recover for real. Being myself again”.

You then shared about seeing Him today, after so long of not seeing him. “it was like a love at first sight.. We spent 1h 30 talking together.. I know now I really value him and not the reflection of me I can see in someone else”.

You wrote that what I suggested to you a while ago about him (“he is living with his mother, who  is quite dangerous to him”, and that he is taking breaks from her by talking with you, that it is safer for him to be with you, then it is for him to be with his mother)- is true to you: “This statement is totally true to me”.

And now, my input today, Sept 1 (with more quotes):

You wrote this about the way you were raised by your mother: “raised to be perfect, not to be myself. Having the best grades, playing music.. being extremely well mannered, wearing fancy brands”, and having elite education-

– she also raised you to be… perfectly anxious, anxiety that led to your ADHD diagnosis and OCD-like symptoms. The extreme anxiety/ stress of the mother passes on to the child. What a child needs is a calm mother who can take adequate care of herself and of the child. When a child experiences a mother who is not self sufficient, who worries a lot and complains a lot, the child doesn’t feel safe. The need of the child for a calm mother (and the feeling of safety, being in the hands of a capable, confident, calm mother) far, far… far surpasses any and all needs for brand name clothes and elite education.

* You need to no longer stay in your mother’s home for days or weeks, because any recovery and progress you make away from her (as far as getting to a calmer, more confident state of mind), will be undone when you live with her again.

* Reads to me that your visit with your mother was like being inside a hot and humid house, feeling suffocated; when you went back to your apartment far away from her, and then saw Him, it was like being outdoors in a cool, breezy evening, able to breathe again.

Something about him feels like an especially cool, refreshing breeze, maybe simply because he is not your mother’s choice, nothing that fits her strict expectations of a boyfriend for you. Instead he is your choice. You wrote earlier in July: “I never realized I dated men according to what they could correspond to the perfect potential son-in-law for her… that younger guy was an exception but still, he was the one I chose”.

anita