Anita and Rose:

First, that you so much for taking the time to reply. It was nice to get something return when I scream into the ether.

To your point Anita, yes, I feel that I have traditionally “gravitated” toward the loving part of my relationships but kept the deeper connection at bay so I could control the rejection. This, of course, would typically fail and cause me more pain, because when the time came that I chose to reject the woman and end things, I was emotionally invested and would grieve more when the feelings that remained were unrequited. It is obvious that these women must protect their hearts, so why would they give anything more to me once their heart has been broken?

And, Rose, I certainly do not disagree with your perceptive impressions. I foolishly thought there was something deeper there. And maybe that’s on me? Maybe there was/is but, as she once said to me, “I’ve learned to protect myself and rebuild my walls once I start seeing red flags.” I believed that even though I could not make the commitment to her that she wanted, we had built a deeper friendship at least; however, either she does not want that, or she is not emotionally mature enough to have that.

I think the turning point in feeling ashamed of the mistakes I’d made, and grieving for what I thought I saw through clouded lenses, was this past Father’s Day. I had sent her a gift and a card for Mother’s Day—even texted her in the morning wishing her a happy one. When Father’s Day rolled around a month later, I got a text at 9:00 at night. “I’m an asshole. Happy Father’s Day! Sorry, just forget you have your daughter sometimes because she’s so grown.” My ex spent a lot of time with my daughter, so this was a real punch to the gut. Granted, she had begun seeing her latest beau in late April, so perhaps she did not owe me anything more than that? She tried to date two people shortly after she returned home, and has dated her current beau for a few months now, so I do not think she is comfortable being alone and simply focusing on her son.

And perhaps there is a part of her that is jealous of the relationship I had/have with her son? My ex would try to allow him to call me during the height of quarantine but that has dwindled now, which may be best for him long term? My ex’s mother and stepdad still text photos of him just about every weekend when he spends the night with them, but we do not have any regular interaction. I do know a large part of my grief was losing him in a sense and knowing that while she claims she wants him and I to continue to have a solid relationship, she has done little to maintain that.

I have been working with a counselor for a few months now and have focused on the issues you two identified above. I know that if I continue to put in the work on myself, any future relationship (with the right, emotionally mature woman) will be that much better. While I miss intimacy and sex, I have purposely not sought any relationship here. (Un)Fortunately, being in a town of fewer than 30,000 people—in the middle of a pandemic—helps to make meeting someone that much more difficult.

Again, thank you both for your replies. I am beyond grateful to know I am not alone.