Rose,

Again, thank you for taking the time to reply. It means so much to have a dialog here. 🙂

Yes, you are correct too. I feel that I enjoyed the familial aspect of the relationship: I enjoyed doing things with my ex and her son. I think what I miss now is the friendship that was. Granted we were in a relationship, but even after things ended early last year, we were still close (because we were all the other had).

I think what stings is that she moved back home but we still texted/called regularly. Then, she came back in early December 2019 to move the stuff in her apartment back home with her mother. Once she left, the switch flipped, and she became cold—her “walls went up.” She flew back a week later for a holiday party, and while I was her date/guest, she hardly interacted with me. Then, when I flew home for Christmas and visited her and her son, she largely ignored me while I played with her son. I knew, and she had admitted, that she was angry with me—and had every right to be. So, I guess I grieve the potential that may have been there, or I feel shame for hanging onto the relationship as long as I did. I’m not quite sure.

I have made a lot of progress with “letting go” these past few months. Her having a boyfriend certainly helps. When I analyze my emotions, I think letting go is what I struggle with. Not so much in the sense of letting go of the romantic relationship, but rather letting go of the connection and the friendship. There was so much that we did for one other and there was/is a powerful connection there. I want to remain friends, but at the same time, I don’t want a casual friendship where we aren’t able to keep the connection. Nothing sexual or romantic but I miss the intimacy of being able to talk about things beyond the superficial. Something more than, “How’s the weather there?” Not sure if this makes sense but I’m struggling to explain it better.

I have another counseling appointment next week. I continue to work on “me,” and have been, so I do see my value. I don’t think my feelings for my ex are holding me back. While I would like to meet someone to combat the loneliness, I know that I am not in a position to have a relationship. I need to fix myself before I jump into something else. I’m not entirely happy in this new job and this town of 30K leaves a lot to be desired (especially in the small dating pool/puddle). I’m more concerned with my own needs right now and really cannot focus my energies on anyone else.