Anita,

I finally had some time to digest your amazing analysis and wanted to offer my response…

I don’t know if I’d classify my life’s path as random. Yes, my daughter was a surprise, but I did make a conscious decision to try to give her a normal family life. Her mother and I had worked together for a few years before we decided to date; however, I don’t feel like I was entirely comfortable dating, as I still hadn’t really figured out who I was. Yet, marrying her felt like the responsible thing to do at 20-years-old, so I did. All these choices after (military, divorce, college, etc.) were done in an attempt to better my life. I truly felt that these things would make my life better and make me a happier person. I feel that they did in a sense, but any fulfillment was fleeting. Suppose the “treading water” title comes from the lack of real fulfillment stemming from the choices and endeavors. Truly most of my life has been without passions, hobbies, or really dreams at all. Yes, it’s a sad way to live but time doesn’t stop.

I’ve certainly dealt with anger issues for much of my life—even as a child. Not anger that would manifest in violence but always there below the surface. There has always existed a frustration within me. A chronic feeling of being misunderstood or never feeling like I fit in. (That could play a part in why I keep trying different experiences. Wanting to find “my place.”) While I don’t have many memories from my childhood, one that came to mind is a vivid one when I was an early teen. My mother was on me about something and I remember lashing out and saying “freaking.” This escalated the argument because this was “too close to the other ‘F’ word,” she replied. I remember egging her on, and playing dumb, and asking her what the other ‘F’ word was she was referring to. She never said it buy that memory is quite vivid.

My father grew up Catholic, and my mother Lutheran, but both converted to Episcopalian when my sister was born. We added the Episcopal church but left after some time because the pastor had an affair. We ended up at another Episcopal church when I was in my early teens, and I was confirmed around 15 or so. (Memories are fuzzy.) That pastor would cheat on his wife as well, and I quit attending after that—it all seemed so hypocritical. Honestly, I was never truly religious. I enjoyed the sermons but only as a history-esque type lecture. The point of all this is that my mother continued attending a non-denominational church—largely without my father—until converting to Catholicism a few years ago, and they both attend a Catholic church now.

The reason I say all this is that I feel my mother is always seeking something. She had a contentious relationship with her father (my grandfather). I believe that I’ve written here that when they would infrequently travel to visit us, she would spend the day crying and generally be depressed for a few days after their departure. Obviously the relationship she had with her parents affected her parenting regarding me and my sister—that “parental introjection,” to cite Freud.

I have my counseling appointment this Tuesday, and I will bring all these cogent points you have made with me to the session, Anita. They are truly insightful and have given me a different way of approaching things with this new counselor. A better foundational starting point since this is only our second live, in-person session. Again, thank you so much for putting so much into my, and others, board posts.