Thank you, thank you, thank you for not thinking I’m terrible. In this day and age (specifically this day and age) when so many people are suffering so much because of illness, loss of jobs, etc it’s hard to complain about my life. I understand that, which is why I don’t talk about it. I thank you for the book suggestions as well. Your assessment of my relationships is very accurate although I despair to think that they truly feel that way. To be fearful of upsetting the person who thinks you to be so wonderful seems cruel irony.

The marginalized feeling I think comes from not having a career or a passion, mostly. I am a failure in that regard with my family. My brother and I were set to fly to visit my grandmother next month. She called and told me that she was petrified of the virus, the danger was too great to contract it. Could I please tell *my brother* to stay home? But while *I’m* there she has errands for me to run for her. If that doesn’t explain your worth to someone, I don’t know what does.A neighbor asked me what I do. I told her I didn’t have a career, I stayed home. Yes, she said, what what do you DO?

I don’t know the answer to that.
So much is tied up in our titles – manager, Doctor, accountant, nursing home volunteer – and stay at home mom is a good one but it doesn’t pass when the baby moves out!

What do I do to earn my spot here? How may lives have been cut short which deny us all the benefit of the years they would have had? If I’m still here, shouldn’t I at least try to help fill that gap?

“Marginalized” happens in little things you never notice until they become One Big Thing. I don’t want to___ so someone else does it. I dislike ____ so someone else does it. A thoughtful kindness is doing _____ before it needs to be done. Pretty soon, you’re not needed for anything. Here is where you live now: the periphery when nothing depends solely on you. Everything you do is easily replaced. There is no ME-sized hole in the world that only I can fill.

What do I contribute? How do I find something that my brain can do that adds value to my existence? Where does the happiness come from? (I’m not expecting answers!) These existential crises are joked about so often but, in reality, they are weighty things.  They have a physical effect, tangible symptoms (weeping, weight gain, nail-biting) but we’ve all agreed they’re only in our own heads. Billions of people with countless similar-yet-unanswerable thoughts. Mine aren’t any different but these exact circumstances are unique to me.

So, maybe I should just be asking one: where do I start?

Again, you have my deep appreciation for your time and consideration!