Dear Katie:

“I was never hit by my parents, and in turn, my siblings and I never hit each other”- a powerful statement. But his experience is different from yours, and in turn… he has (verbally) hit you.

As a child he felt the acute pain of being betrayed by those he looked up to for love and protection. This pain was so intense that he shut it down automatically by repressing it, dissociating from it. Hence he told you the stories “in a no big deal manner”. But do not be mislead by his style of delivering his stories- his childhood experiences of betrayal were a very, very big deal for him.

“When we were together, every Friday and Saturday night we would make ice cream cones and bring them into bed, propped up, just chatting or watching tv”- I am imagining this scene. In his brain, it was special, comforting, this is why he referred to you as his home. Problem is, he needed those Friday and Saturday nights, enjoying ice cream safely, with loving attention- when he was a child. Forty or fifty years later, it’s the wrong timing. The ice cream will not take away that repressed, yet very real and ongoing acute pain of his childhood.

anita