Dear Elisa:

I am sorry you lost your long reply, I know how frustrating that is.

About a man who is “one moment he wanted to marry me and the next, he thought I was the source of all his problems. One moment he was in love, and then the other, he is angry.. very loving.. then .. suddenly distant”, a man who “feels overwhelmed by life and just wants to hide away”-

– you wrote:  “I don’t think he suffers from a psychological condition”.

You don’t think that he may suffer from an anxiety disorder, a mood disorder perhaps- going from one extreme (marry you, very loving) to another extreme (blame you for all his problems, suddenly distant)?

“He was raised in a household with two alcoholics and a bullying older brother. His upbringing sounds more about survival than thriving”- children do not come out of such a childhood mentally unharmed.

“He feels intense shame” => He needs effective psychotherapy.

“he didn’t think therapy works”=> He will not be getting the help that he needs.

“before anyone else hurts him, he will hurt them”=> He is hurting you.

“He totally ignored me, and just went into.. what I am doing is ‘wrong’. I felt intense shame”- this is one way he is hurting you: ignoring you and blaming you. It hurts to be ignored/ abandoned, again and again. It hurts to be blamed for doing wrong by a person who is doing you wrong.

“When he speaks he sounds like he got everything together.. it does not add to reality”- lots of mentally unwell people talk impressively. He is far from having everything together because, like you wrote, he suffers from “intense shame” and he mistreats you.

“When he comes toward me I feel ok and when he leaves I feel withdrawal. It doesn’t seem to be good for my health”- he is not good for your health. He is not good for anyone’s mental health because he hurts people, because he suffers from intense shame and passes on that shame to others, and because he will not get help.

“Then he found, in his mid 20s. Buddhism and it transformed his life”- in some ways perhaps it transformed his life: maybe he stopped taking drugs, maybe he became a vegetarian, maybe he moved out of his parents into a commune- but Buddhism did not heal him.

“100% responsibility is when one listens to the gut feeling, and trusts it.. Living lightly and being authentic.. without shame and guilt. I have a vision of stepping into my own power. Whenever I wish to do so, the voice comes up, who do you think you are?”-

– that voice (“who do you think you are?“) is deep within you, so deep that it is almost a gut voice/ a “gut feeling”- it is powerful and and very persistent. Notice this voice when you hear it, and articulate a new voice: I am the most important person in my life. Counter that old voice with a new voice, every time.

If you persist with replacing the old voice with a new voice, and choose correct behavior, over time- your shame and guilt will lessen. It is possible for you to one day no longer feel shame and guilt.

One correct behavior, as I see it, is to end your relationship with this man, B3. There will be more to do, in your quest to “live lightly and being authentic”, but I don’t see how a person can get healthier when in a relationship with a person who keeps you (and himself) unhealthy.

anita