Dear Carrie:

I will retell your story, staying true to what you shared best I can, but present it in a different order:

Your grandmother called you many times, your entire life-  and talked poorly about her own daughter. You asked your grandmother to stop, but she didn’t. When in the presence of her daughter, your grandmother constantly argues with her daughter and puts her down.

Sometimes your grandmother guilted you into things, such as calling your mother when you didn’t want to. She  mentally drained you. No one in your family speaks to your grandmother.

Your mother called you many times as well,  your entire life- and talked poorly about her mother. You asked her to stop, but she didn’t. When in the presence of her mother, she argues with her mother and puts her down.

When you were a young child, your mother, a single mother,  isolated you from everyone else in the family. She made fun of you for “being too skinny or having buck teeth”. She compared you unfavorably to your sister. She tried to steal any spotlight that was on you. Later on, she guilted you into buying her gifts, cooking, cleaning and taking care of all her other needs.

When you were 23, you ran off and married a man in another state, so to escape your mother. The marriage didn’t work out and you were back in your mother’s home when you were 34. She guilted you into cooking and cleaning etc., and exhausted you so much, that you had nothing left for yourself.

Currently, at 37- you are living on your own, raising a three year old little girl. You tried your best to have a better relationship with your mother. At times it felt to you that she was trying to be there for you, but she always turned the attention back on herself. Sometimes your mother told you that she wanted to help you with your daughter, but when she visited you- visits in which you “pay for everything and do everything”- not only did she not help you with your daughter, she expected you to “still wait on her hand and foot”.  She even told your daughter “to go and get her things”.

Whenever you tried to address these behaviors with your mother, she made you “feel horrible probably just with a look and silence”. When you were recently upset with her, “she stopped responding and has not contacted (you) since”- that crushed you and you “refused to beg for her attention or reach out.. stopped responding”. You shut down your social media and walked away, “not playing her games”.

You feel stuck and alone, raising your daughter with no help from family, as a single mother.

My input today: currently, your mother and grandmother deserve each other. Neither one of them deserves you. Your grandmother has been part of your Problem; your mother has been part of your Problem, and neither has been or can be part of your Solution.

You shared that your mother and grandmother speak to each other, but no on in your family speaks to either one- I am glad that you joined the rest of your family in this regard, and hope you will have no further contact with either one.

Your grandmother mistreated and turned against her own daughter, and in turn, her daughter mistreated and turned against her own daughter.

“I don’t know how to start over and love myself, mother myself, be a good mother, build other relationships and stay positive”-

– how to be a good mother: end the tradition of mother-turning-against-daughter. Do not turn against your own daughter, not now, and not later, not ever. Do not betray this little girl’s trust in you.

– to start over make sure that you end what needs to end- your contact with these two women. It is very difficult to end a relationship with one’s mother, so you may need quality psychotherapy to help you with it.

– in regard to building other relationships- you mean with a new man in your life, perhaps.. friends, others?

anita