Dear CelleBelle:

Five and a half years ago you met a guy who is 13 years younger than you. The two of you “just clicked.. like a house on fire”. You suggested a friends-with-benefits relationship, and embarked on it, promising each other to let the other know if either one of you met anyone else. Also, children were out of the question for you, and his Italian family pressured him to get married and have children.

A year into the relationship, you realized that you “had fallen for this guy”. You told him so one night and he was taken aback, saying that “if circumstances were different, there’d be no question.. but that there was no way that we could be”.  The relationship continued and a year later he “confessed that he’d had a fling”. You forgave him and the relationship continued but “dwindled to maybe every 3 months due to Covid lockdown regulations, etc.” You met him last July this year.

A couple of days after your birthday in October you texted him if he’d want to meet you for drinks, and he replied that “although he’d love to, he was in a predicament because he had met someone, but wasn’t sure that was going to last”. You wished him well but felt quite devastated.

A couple of weeks later and he asked for your advice regarding that someone that he met, “He wasn’t sure whether he loved her, he wanted to know how you know you are in love, he wasn’t sure whether he actually wanted to marry her, and mentioned that she may be too old to have children (“baby-making could be risky at her age”).

A week later, he messaged you again regarding a medical hearing for his sister. You then met him for the first time since July, and you were “shocked to see what he looked like.. really bedraggled, head shaven, unkempt facial hair and generally just looked like a stressed-out wreck”. After the hearing you spoke briefly and he told you that the woman he mentioned earlier was of a different race and he didn’t know what his parents would feel about it.

The night before last, Nov 25,  the two of you met again, “for a sit-down chat” at his apartment. He told you that he was into you at the beginning of the relationship, but the age factor was the problem. He expressed again his confusion about the current woman in his life, “almost asking my permission to tell her that he can’t see a future with her”, “This chatting round and round in circles went on all evening long”. You finally slept over, as friends, and the next morning, Nov 26, he asked for your advice once again, and asked if the two of you can remain friends.

Following all these recent interactions with him, you’ve been feeling “really low.. cannot shake this feeling of confusion, rejection and utter despair.. feel physically ill.. at a loss as to what I should do”, “I get the feeling that, knowingly or unknowingly, he is trying to keep his options open here at my expense. I’ve always been his go-to-person if he needed help with anything be it internet problems, tax returns.. I really feel sorry for him because he looks a wreck”.

“now I need some guidance and I’m hoping to get it here.. I really can’t go  on like this anymore, but I also don’t want to just throw away a friendship that has lasted this long”-

– my input: it seems like his significant recent mental confusion and distress- evident by his appearance, his verbal communication, and his choices-  rubbed off on you big time during the recent interactions with you, and as a result you are feeling unwell.

Seems to me that he’s been anxious and distressed for a long time, having a complicated, unhealthy relationships with his parents/ family, that he is fearful of commitment, doesn’t want to be tied down to a woman and a marriage, doesn’t want the responsibility of children, and recently, his mental condition worsened.

In his condition, I don’t think that he is capable of having a healthy friendship with you, or a healthy intimate relationship with anyone. Clearly, he needs quality psychotherapy.

You may have to end contact with him so to recover. What do you think?

anita