Dear WestCoastGal:

You are welcome. I understand why he is uncomfortable and hesitant about saying I-love-you, about the label bf-gf, about the idea of marriage and children: it is not only that his biological father paid him so little attention, but it is also his mother who paid him little attention, being busy with her divorce and re-marriage, with her other 3 children, plus the addition two of her new husband’s. His step father was busy with five children as well, other than him. Your boyfriend had so little of the emotional support and guidance, too little and for way too long. He is used to be emotionally alone, isolated, neglected.

I am guessing that he felt quite trapped and/ or unhappy in his childhood home and he doesn’t want to experience that again, as in another unhappy home as an adult, with a wife and children.

Reads to me that his relationship with you is healthier than his past relationships with women, that there is promise in this relationship, but there is also a place for concern.

I think that you will need to make it clear to him,  almost casually (not in a dramatic way, with no hint of pressuring him) that you really want to get married and have children. Let him know that you are willing to accommodate his needs in a marriage, so that it can be a marriage in which he feels comfortable with. For example, that you are willing to give him alone-time when he needs it, that the two of you can have an extra room in your future home where he can spend time alone when he needs to.

What do you think?

anita