Hi Anita,

Thank you for your kind words. Inexplicably a couple of weeks ago I was admitted into the hospital in the middle of the night with excruciating abdominal pains. Originally it was thought it was my appendix, then gallbladder, and now it seems it is my liver. I’ve done more tests, but it seems like the one incident is isolated, I haven’t had that severe pain since but my doctor is concerned with some of the liver enzyme levels. Thankfully she is a very competent and caring doctor, so I’m sure it will be sorted out. I’m not as concerned with my physical health as I am with my mental health.

To add to my last post, I have noticed that with both J and now S, I experience an overall feeling of shame. Shame over my behaviour, shame over how I must be perceived, and shame in the rejection, and the pitiful attempts on my part to win them back. Once again I think about what would be my ideal scenario, and similarly the only answer that comes to mind is to go back in time, not have these events unfold the way they did, and not feel the way I am feeling now. The more I think about it, the more I feel like neither would have been a good long term partner for me, yet these turn of events seem to matter so much to me. Yet when rationally I look at it, the fact that they weren’t great long term partners should be enough to just simply let it go.

I’m really upset with myself (nothing new, I know…) that because of my choices in the last few months, my grief about my dog is completely intertwined with S. I just wish I could forget about him, recognize that it was simply a Fantasy I was in and not reality, rather than what intrudes my thoughts, that somehow all of this is my fault and undoing. Not only that, but I have felt so much responsibility regarding the last year of my dog’s life being less than ideal. I simply could have done better. To put a long story short, it was my fault he was attacked by another dog and was bit and required surgery. Had I not have gotten involved with a completely unsuitable man, who’s dog did the attacking, it never would have happened. I know I should not dwell on the past, but it is so hard not to when I feel I make so many mistakes.

I will try my best to try to relax this evening nonetheless. I hope you do as well Anita!

-L