Dear Anita,

Thank you so much for your reply! It is really helpful to me and I re-read it on daily basis.

I am still not relaxed, I still have this fear inside that he will leave me or that he compares me with her.

But I have noticed a toxic trait in myself.. I tend to choose my words and try to be more interesting or more funny.. because I fear that he may find me boring and subconsciously compare me to her and find out that she is better and that he misses her. Because she is a complete opposite of me. And I am someone with family issues, with a lot of obligations.

Also I still recall her last sms to him, where she said ” how can you break up with me after you said you missed me, after we cooked and singed together, after you said that your car reminds you of me ”. I mean, we were 4,5 years together, we also did those things…. But now I feel like his memories to those things are replaced with her.

And he has said to me that he founds me insecure, like I need some sort of validation from him or insurance. And it is that way. I feel like I need constant re-insurance from him. Because while we were separated and while he was with her, there were periods where he would text me lets try again, only to tell me after a month or two, or sometimes ever shorter , that he still needs a time apart and then he would return to her. And that is why I feel like this time will be the same, its like in those period he gets boring of me and returns to her. And vice versa, she also said that same to him.. When I communicated this to him, he said that it wasn’t his fault that he was doing this to me, this ” lets make up ” then ” i can’t ” and go back to her, he said that it is my fault that I couldn’t handle our break up and did not know how to carry what was happening and that he was just lost…..

I also feel like I want to be acknowledged from him that he did something bad to me.

But he says that he doesn’t understand where this insecurity comes from and that he would never to that again. He just does not understand why I can’t let that go and why I still have insecurities..

What was different this time and why I gave him a chance was because we had a deep talk, he cried and said that no one would love him like I do, that he is the most him with me, that he would be lost without me and that he will do anything for this to work. I still cry when I recall the scene.

But I don’t know how to heal myself. I watch a lot of videos and read a lot of books because I want to work on myself. I dont want to lose him and I dont want to be a burden to someone because of my insecurities.

Sorry for the long post Anita, I just wanted you to understand me more because you have no idea how helpful you are to me! Your blog gets me through the day!